


Breathe

by Dogsocks



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Happy Ending, It's summer, Literally so much angst, M/M, Nishinoya Yuu & Tanaka Ryuunosuke are Bros, POV Alternating, Pretty sad, There will be some fluff, Trauma, Violence, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-25 23:15:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7550995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dogsocks/pseuds/Dogsocks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Iwaizumi wakes up screaming.</p><p>He sits straight up in his bed, a layer of sweat coating his trembling skin. He winces a bit at the pain in his chest from the sudden movement. His heart is racing and he forces his lungs to heave in air, as much as it hurts to do so, trying to remember how to <i>breath</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Broken Glass and Coffee Stains

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I wrote a really angsty Iwaizumi and Oikawa fic a while ago and never posted it, so I cleaned it up and here it is! It was a slightly different style than I do now when I write, so it was hard to work in the alternating point of view. There's not much from Oikawa's perspective in this chapter because of that, but I promise it will be more even in later chapters. 
> 
> So, this is an emotional roller coaster, have fun! I apologize in advance.

Iwaizumi wakes up screaming.

He sits straight up in his bed, a layer of sweat coating his trembling skin. He winces a bit at the pain in his chest from the sudden movement. His heart is racing and he forces his lungs to heave in air, as much as it hurts to do so, trying to remember how to _breathe_. Something tickles his face, and as he quickly reaches up to brush it away with his hand, he realizes he must have been crying in his sleep.

The nightmare keeps replaying in his head, and every time it sends a new jolt through his body that makes him want to throw up. It was just a dream. It wasn't real. He's alone in his room now, night still covering the city beyond his window. Everything is normal, yet he can't shake the panicked feeling that consumes him. 

The feeling takes Iwaizumi by surprise, strangling him, like something around his rib cage is tightening with every breath he tries to take. His muscles feel weak, but he stands up anyways to try and shake the feeling, to just get some _air_. He just needs to _breathe_. 

He paces back and forth on his unsteady legs, eyes closed, arms above his head, trying to calm the fuck down. He tries to take in breaths, but the ache of his ribs is incessant, and slowly whatever this feeling is only worsens somehow. The nightmare still plays in his head, gripping his lungs tighter. Don't think about it. _Just. Fucking. Breathe._

He tries this for several minutes, but he eventually just becomes lightheaded, his thoughts still twisting his stomach into tight knots as the nightmare tries relentlessly to force its way back into his thoughts. He sits down on the side of the bed and the nausea eventually subsides, but the other feeling stays. He doesn't know what it is or why he can't get a hold of himself. Why can't he get a hold of himself? He's awake. It was just a dream. _He's awake now._

But this had never even happened when he had similar nightmares before. He was almost used to waking up with a start lately because of how often he had nightmares now. He hadn't actually slept through the night in at least a week. But this feeling was something new.

Eventually he reaches a shaky hand to his nightstand, grabs his phone charger and, after a few seconds of fumbling around three useless fingers, manages to yank his phone free from it. His fingers tremble, save for the ones wrapped tightly in splints, and he tries several times to will them to stop, but it's futile. Why the hell is he so messed up over a damn dream? It's frustrating.

He eventually manages to find Oikawa's contact in his phone and he absentmindedly hits the call button. He doesn't remember trying to call anyone in particular, he doesn't even know why he picked up his phone, thinking about it. He can handle this himself, but when he hears Oikawa answer, he's surprised at the relief he suddenly feels that Oikawa even picked up at this hour. Iwaizumi doesn't even greet him when he answers the phone, he just sits there drawing in shaky breaths and finally managing to slow his breathing a little.

 _"Iwa-chan?"_ Oikawa starts, his voice confused and filled with sleep, almost whining. Still, it's a relief to hear it, to hear him. _"Why the hell are you even awake right now? It's...it's like three in the morning!"_

Oikawa waits for a response, but Iwaizumi sits there without an answer. He doesn't know what to even tell Oikawa, or what he intended to accomplish with this call for that matter. He had just called on an impulse, not even thinking about what he would say if Oikawa picked up. What was he supposed to say? And now Oikawa waits on the phone as Iwaizumi sits in his room unable to form clear thoughts, let alone words.

"Um...I-I don't..." Iwaizumi stumbles over his words, not even sure what it is he's attempting to say, knowing Oikawa must be equally as unsure. He cringes at himself, at how truly shaken up he sounds, stuttering stupidly into the phone. This is fucking pathetic. But, hard as he tries, he can't think of any words to force out of his mouth. 

_"Iwa-chan,"_ Oikawa says, his previously annoyed tone replaced with genuine concern. Sleep no longer slurs his speech. _"Did something happen? Are you okay?"_

"I...I don't think so," Iwaizumi croaks out so quiet he wonders if Oikawa even hears it. He didn't even mean to say the words, didn't _want_ to, couldn't figure out why he had. It just came out of him, sounding even more pathetic than his first attempt at speaking. He sounds fucking _scared._

 _"What? What's wrong?"_ Oikawa demands, now more panicked. But this time, no words come out of Iwaizumi, no sound at all. What _is_ wrong with him right now? Is he really like this because of the damn dream?

 _"Are you hurt? Where are you right now? Are you home?"_ The questions tumble out of Oikawa's mouth faster and faster but Iwaizumi can't find the words to respond. Nothing. He wants to, but he isn't really listening anymore.

_Iwaizumi._

He glances around the dark room and suddenly feels very uneasy, on edge, paranoid. He puts his head in his hands and stares down at his feet, raking his shaking hands nervously through his hair, trying to get rid of the feeling.

_Iwa-chan._

There's a hitch in his breathing and he's suddenly very aware of how terrified he is, alone in his dark apartment, trembling, finding it hard again to breathe. Terrified. He's terrified.

_Iwaizumi._

But why the hell is he so terrified? This is how he felt in the dream, but why is the feeling still consuming him now? He doesn't know why, which scares him more. Iwaizumi is a grown ass man. He should be able to handle a damn nightmare by himself. So, why did he call Oikawa? Why did he want to? Why did he need to? This is only going to make him more overprotective than he's already being. So, why call Oikawa? 

_Iwaizumi._

Suddenly, he's way too aware of how alone he is in his apartment. He pulls his feet off the floor and onto the bed. It was a dream. He's awake now. It wasn't fucking real. But It felt so _real._

_Hajime._

He doesn't remember dropping the phone, but he realizes it now as he stares at it on the floor, the small object coming back into focus. Oikawa's name is on the screen still, the light illuminating anything nearby with a soft glow that creates long shadows. He can still faintly hear Oikawa yelling into his phone, calling his name. Iwaizumi wants to say something back, to go get the phone but he just can't. He wants so badly to just say that he's okay. But he isn't, is he? Like Oikawa would leave it be after this anyways.

 _"Iwa!? I'm coming over right now-"_ The phone abruptly hangs up and Iwaizumi crouches on his bed in the silence. He's so mad at himself. Oikawa is on his way and he doesn't even want that, doesn't want Oikawa to see him like this. He doesn't want him worrying. Why couldn't he bring himself to respond to Oikawa? Why can't he ever just deal with anything by himself anymore?

***

Oikawa bursts into Iwaizumi's apartment with the spare key as quickly as he can manage, swearing at the way he fumbles with the lock. Iwaizumi is probably in the bedroom, if he's home at all, but Oikawa still glances quickly around for any signs of him anywhere else in the apartment on his way there. He gets to his room and practically breaks the door open.

Relief washes over him as he sees Iwaizumi, intact and alive, crouching on the side of his bed. Iwaizumi isn't easily scared, but right now he's a mess, which is scary. He hugs his legs tightly to his chest, bruises visible even in the dim lighting. It makes Oikawa's chest ache, but he tries to ignore it.

Iwaizumi peers up at Oikawa with an expression he can't even begin to read. It makes Oikawa wonder what could have possibly gotten him like this.

Oikawa runs over, careful not to step on the cell phone on the floor, which must have been what the clatter he heard over the phone was. He wraps his arms tightly around Iwaizumi, just glad that he's okay. That phone call had Oikawa more than a little worried.

"Oh my god, Iwa- thank god," Oikawa says quietly, hugging him tighter. He doesn't even have the words to express his relief. "I thought something terrible happened to you." He notices that he sounds out of breath from practically flying up the stairs to get here. "Iwa-chan, what happened?"

Oikawa still holds Iwaizumi firmly in his arms, now sitting on the bed as well while he waits for him to respond. Oikawa looks down at him, who is visibly trembling at this point. It's very rare to see Iwaizumi this freaked out, let alone physically shaking. Not to mention, he hasn't even shrugged off Oikawa's hold on him yet. He really is terrified, and the feeling seeps into Oikawa.

Iwaizumi's shoulders shake gently in Oikawa's grasp. His breath hitches, uneven, getting caught in his throat, and in that moment, Oikawa realizes Iwa-chan is crying. He digs his face deeper into Oikawa's chest, arms wrapping hastily around Oikawa's torso. His hands grab awkward fistfuls of his shirt as best they can, tightening as he sobs quietly into his friend. Oikawa can feel the hard metal of the splints on Iwaizumi's fingers and the memory brings back the dull ache in his chest. He pushes it away again, rubbing a hand gently on Iwaizumi's back and just letting the other cry into him.

***

The touch is soothing, and Iwaizumi feels relief crying, as if all the emotions are leaving his body and he doesn't have to feel them anymore. Despite that, Iwaizumi hadn't wanted to cry in front of Oikawa in the first place, not again, let alone into his chest like this. Not to mention, crying like this hurts his ribs more than he'd like to admit. It just happened. The tears came without permission and they are not going away until they're done.

He doesn't even know why he finds himself sobbing into his best friend. He doesn't seem to know why anything is happening anymore. And he hates it. It isn't like him to act this way, especially in front of Oikawa. He'll regret this later, he knows it. He can already feel it coming. He'll think about it too hard, beat himself up over it, get angry, do something he'll regret. But for now, it feels good to let the tears go, regardless of why they're there at all.

Iwaizumi's sobs eventually subside, but he still clings to Oikawa for a moment before his grip goes limp and he silently pulls himself away. He knows he looks like a mess, and he assumes the gesture will be futile, but he tries to wipe the tears and snot from his face anyways.

He can see Oikawa watch him silently as he wipes at his eyes and his tear stained skin. His body no longer trembles as he sits there, and he can breathe again now, but his hands still shake a little as he puts them by his sides. 

He feels suddenly small and empty, but more than anything, Iwaizumi feels completely devoid of any trace of energy. Any anger and fear he felt gives way to total exhaustion as he sits slumped on the edge of the bed. Come to think of it, it really has been quite a while since he's slept an entire night. Probably since last week.

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa eventually says, "Please tell me what happened," His voice is soft and patient, yet still sounds urgent. He sounds that way a lot recently. Iwaizumi doesn't like it for some reason.

Iwaizumi hesitates, finding the words, but he begins to speak eventually. His voice is far less shaky than before, but it still sounds weak and tired. "I...I had a fucking nightmare, and I know, believe me, I'm _aware_ of how damn _stupid_ that sounds," he begins, already sounding angry at himself, "But it felt way too real, and when I woke up I _couldn't breathe_ , which has never happened before. I don't even know why but I was so..."

He pauses, clenching his fists as best he can until his knuckles turn white, brow furrowing. "I was so terrified," he spits, glaring at the floor. "And I don't know _why_. I wasn't dreaming anymore I just-I don't know. I really don't know. I was just so paranoid for no fucking reason."

Iwaizumi sighs, anger draining again and leaving him even more empty than before. Oikawa is silent, so he continues. "This is so stupid. I'm sorry. I don't even know why I bothered to wake you up-"

"It's not stupid," Oikawa interrupts in a soft voice. "I'm honestly just glad you aren't hurt again or something. I'll sleep here tonight though."

"What? No, you don't have to do that, Oikawa. I'm better now, really it's okay. I'll be fine," Iwaizumi sputters out far too quickly. He isn't really okay, and something in him really wants Oikawa to stay, even if it's just so he won't be alone in his apartment, but he won't tell Oikawa that. He shakes his head at the thought. He can handle himself.

"Are you kidding? You still look like you've just seen a ghost, Iwa-chan, and I'm not leaving you alone in your dark apartment after that," Oikawa protests lightheartedly.

"I think I can manage now, Oikawa, it's fine," Iwaizumi says, his voice finally evening out, though he's too tired to really protest. The words sound stupid, even to himself. He wishes he believed it.

Oikawa lets out a short laugh and his lips curl into a small grin. "I don't believe you, Iwa-chan," he coos. "And I'm not taking no for an answer. And," he begins, standing up. He turns to face Iwaizumi, "I'm not going to leave you alone again."

 

Iwaizumi lays restlessly in his bed. It's been an hour since Oikawa moved to the couch, something he insisted on himself, though Iwaizumi's bed is big enough for both of them. He shakes his head at the thought. Though he's more calm now, almost at ease, he's still spent that whole hour tossing and turning. Something feels off, and Iwaizumi knows that sleep is out of the question at this point, again. At least he doesn't have to work tomorrow. 

Alone in his room, he thinks.

He thinks about how stupidly scared he'd been over nothing, already furious at himself for it. He's been like that a lot recently and he hates it, especially since it seems he can't help it. He thinks about how he woke up Oikawa on an impulse just to come deal with him and his stupid irrational fear. Why the hell did he even do that? And why Oikawa again? 

Then his thoughts wander to the man fast asleep on his couch. Why had he let himself be so damn vulnerable in front of him again? It's only going to give Oikawa another reason to be overprotective, another reason to watch over him. Iwaizumi doesn't need any more of that. Not to mention Iwaizumi has always thought he was stronger than this. 

And why didn't he make Oikawa leave? He should've just made him leave. He would be fine in his apartment alone, just like every other night. He doesn't need anybody to watch over him in his own damn house. Though, the thought of being alone in his apartment right now, unable to sleep, makes him a little uneasy, which makes him even more mad at himself. 

He jumps out of bed and runs his hands through his hair in frustration. He takes a deep breath in an effort to calm down. It's too early, or maybe too late, to be this mad. He needs to find something to keep his mind busy if he isn't going to sleep, because getting himself angry all night can't be good for him. Morning is still far away as he walks silently into the living room.

Iwaizumi creeps past the sleeping Oikawa to a small bookshelf where he grabs a novel he's already read twice before. He plops down into the chair next to the couch, sitting sideways with his legs hanging lazily over the arm of the large chair.

He grabs a small book light from off the coffee table and cringes at the brightness when he turns it on. After his eyes are able to adjust to the bright white of the pages under the glow of the light, he opens the book, but ends up glancing above it at Oikawa.

He's sound asleep, peacefully wrapped up in an old quilt that Iwaizumi hasn't used in years. He's curled up facing the back of the couch, away from Iwaizumi, his chest gently rising and falling with the rhythm of sleep. He's sleeping so peacefully, so calm. It makes Iwaizumi long for sleep to end this terrible night, long for a full night of dreamless sleep again.

Since that's not really an option tonight, Iwaizumi goes back to his book, but his mind is elsewhere. Why is he sitting out here anyways? He could've just gone back to his room by himself with his book. Why is he even thinking this hard about it? This is his own damn apartment. He can read a book in his living room if he wants, regardless of his uninvited house guest. 

Why is Oikawa here anyways? Iwaizumi should have just made him leave. Did he already think about this? Maybe, who knows, it's late. But is he really so scared and pathetic that he can't be left alone in his own fucking apartment? Didn't he come out here to stop thinking about this? Still, why can't he handle this alone like he normally would? Why is tonight any different? Why is everything so damn different lately? It's frustrating.

He can't even think straight, and Iwaizumi is fortunately startled out of this spiral of jumbled thought when Oikawa suddenly rolls over. As he does, he catches a glimpse of Iwaizumi and stops, startled for a moment before he processes the situation.

"What are you doing out here?" Oikawa croaks in a raspy and sleep-filled voice.

"What does it look like, dumbass?" Iwaizumi asks, holding up his book, though all he has managed to do is read the first line about a thousand times. Oikawa doesn't know that and he sure as hell doesn't need to.

Oikawa makes a soft, sympathetic expression and sighs lightly. "Come over here," he says patting the couch in front of him and propping himself up on one elbow. For some reason, Iwaizumi finds himself listening to Oikawa as he sits on the couch. 

He feels so tired, completely exhausted, and it hits him harder than he expected. It's honestly like running into a brick wall. All he wants now is sleep, his eyelids beginning to droop lazily. He's suddenly aware of how little energy he actually has in him to do anything. Sleep seems like a long forgotten friend. 

"I'm so tired," Iwaizumi finally groans, tossing the book lightly onto the floor and closing his eyes for a moment. Just a minute. He just needs to rest his eyes. He's aware at some point that Oikawa rests a hand on his back. It's nice, actually, just to feel him there.

"You can't sleep, can you, Iwa-chan?" Oikawa asks glancing at him, but it isn't really a question, Iwaizumi knows. For some reason he doesn't respond, either way. He just frowns at something in the distance.

"Just lay down," Oikawa says, gently nudging Iwaizumi. Again, he finds himself doing as he's told without really thinking about it. Then again, he isn't even alert enough to think straight about anything by this point. 

Drowsiness takes over as Oikawa lifts up the quilt and Iwaizumi situates himself in front of him on the couch. Oikawa wraps an arm around him to pull him in closer and Iwaizumi can't even bring himself to mind the proximity. He can feel Oikawa's heartbeat against his body as he covers them both with the quilt again, steady and even. He feels the fabric of Oikawa's sweatpants brush up against the back of his legs as he adjusts his position to accommodate for him and it suddenly makes Iwaizumi feel very naked, remembering he's still only in his boxers and a t-shirt.

With the arm wrapped around Iwaizumi, Oikawa slowly rubs soothing little circles on Iwaizumi's shoulder, the other hand running aimlessly through his hair. The hand on his shoulder gradually moves to his neck, then to his face, lingering on his cheek. Iwaizumi hopes he won't notice how hot the skin there has gotten. He feels Oikawa's hand falter slightly when his fingers ghost over the brand new scar on his forehead and he can't help but wonder what he thinks about when he does it.

Slowly, Iwaizumi's breathing evens out as he's finally able to drift into sleep again. Oikawa follows soon after, burying his face in Iwaizumi's shoulder.

 

Iwaizumi's eyes drowsily creak open, squinting at the harsh light of daytime. He's surprised for a moment, realizing he isn't in his bed, before he remembers last night's events. Last night's events. That was a rough night, to say the least. The nightmare again, that unusual fear, the breakdown that followed, falling asleep in Oikawa's arms.

Oikawa's arms, which are still wrapped around him as he sleeps. It feels good, the grip around him comforting, but for some reason, Iwaizumi feels the increasing, almost suffocating need to escape. Carefully, he untangles himself, throwing on a pair of sweatpants and walking silently into his kitchen.

He sips lightly on his coffee as he leans lazily against the counter. His thoughts wander aimlessly, everything else drowned out by the quiet hum of the coffee machine.

He thinks about the previous night, and as he had predicted, he regrets letting Oikawa see him that way. It's frustrating. Knowing him, he'll probably bring up the event when it's convenient leverage for an argument or something. And there's no doubt that he would use it as a reason to be even more overbearingly protective towards Iwaizumi. Maybe that would be the argument. 

He still can't figure out why he called Oikawa, why he needed to. He can handle himself, can't he? He always wanted to believe he could. Oikawa is _already_ being too damn protective since the last incident. Now that Iwaizumi has accidentally shown another moment of weakness and vulnerability, he'll never let it go. Iwaizumi is a grown man. He doesn't need protecting, especially from Oikawa. It's supposed to be the other way around. When had that changed? 

Angrily, he stirs Oikawa's coffee. He knows how he likes it from all the other times Oikawa has invited himself over, so he kind of made it absentmindedly. The thoughts swarm in his head like angry bees, brewing up anger out of thin air. He isn't fucking helpless, and he doesn't need anyone thinking that because of some stupid shit that happened, or a few broken fingers. He doesn't need anyone, period. Screw Oikawa. Fucking Oikawa, thinking he knows best all the time.

Iwaizumi hates regret, the feeling in general, the tightness in his chest. It makes him mad at himself, furious even. And when he gets mad at himself, he often accidentally lets it out on the people around him. And then he'll do more regrettable things. Iwaizumi regrets last night, regrets calling Oikawa.

Oikawa seems to appear out of nowhere, startling Iwaizumi out of his thoughts for the moment. He wanders into the kitchen, wiping the sleep from his eyes. Oikawa stretches as he approaches, leaning on the table in a way that annoys Iwaizumi and he can't even quite say why.

"Good morning Iwa-chan," Oikawa chirps cheerfully. So annoying. Why is he even still here? Why did he let this happen? He knows Oikawa is still worrying about him, the way he looks at him, careful and searching. The way Oikawa seems to look straight into him like he's trying to find something out of place makes him want to crawl out of his skin. He can see Oikawa's eyes flicker over his hands, linger on the bruises on his arms.

"Morning," Iwaizumi grumbles, sliding the coffee he made across the table, refusing to meet Oikawa's eyes.

"Well it certainly doesn't sound like a good morning," Oikawa remarks. "Is it something about last night?" It's like he's analyzing Iwaizumi, searching not so much for a reaction but for a slip up. It's like he's waiting for it. _So. Annoying._

"Would you just _shut up_ about last night?" Iwaizumi spits suddenly. 

"Iwa-chan, this is the first thing I've said about it at all." Oikawa says. It's true, but Iwaizumi has been thinking about it far longer. 

"Well why'd you need to fucking bring it up then?" He doesn't know when he had gotten so mad, and maybe he can blame some of it on sleep deprivation, but he can't even control the words that leave his lips or the hateful tone with which he speaks them. Everything is just so _annoying_ right now.

"I didn't know it was a sore subject," Oikawa mumbles, "I just thought you might still be shaken up about-"

"I'm not shaken up about anything and it's not your problem, regardless." The words fly out on their own, a continuation of his angrily constructed train of thought. "I can handle myself and I certainly don't need you protecting me." This is already bad. Now it's _really_ too early to be this angry. And he will definitely regret this. But all he feels now is rage, coursing through his body and fueling his mouth to speak on its own.

"What?" Oikawa questions, utterly confused by the blunt comments. He isn't a mind reader.

"I mean about last night," Iwaizumi continues. "I'm not some helpless boy you need to come save or something. You don't need to worry about me this much anymore. You never needed to, okay? You didn't need to stay here, either. I would've been fine by myself. Look, I know staying here was an excuse to keep an eye on me. I'm not stupid, Oikawa. You act like I don't notice this shit." The words come out quick, thoughts smashing together. He sounds so defensive, though he isn't being accused. It feels like he is. He still doesn't look at Oikawa.

"I never said that you were helpless," Oikawa says gently. Even his words now seem careful towards Iwaizumi, protecting his feelings, which only makes him angrier, though Oikawa would have had no way of knowing that. He just needs to _shut up._

"Yeah, but you were thinking it," Iwaizumi spits with a little more venom than he intended. "You can hear it in your voice, and with the way you look at me now. I can see you. You aren't as discreet as you think," he continues with a little less intensity, "Always thinking you need to protect me and shit, but I can still handle myself just fine, okay?" He's breathing heavy and a little painful as he finishes, his pulse racing. He turns to face the window. He can't look at Oikawa right now.

"Iwa-chan, what is this about?" Oikawa asks, a little less sweet, and he knows that this can't all be about last night. "I stayed last night to make sure you were okay after all that, not because I think you need protecting." So genuine. And _So. Damn. Annoying._ Just stop _talking._

"But you didn't need to stay. I can take care myself," Iwaizumi hisses. Why is he so fucking mad? Oikawa is right, this definitely isn't just about last night. It's about everything that's changed lately. 

"Iwa-chan, face it," Oikawa says and Iwaizumi can hear him shift, but he doesn't turn around to look. "You were a mess last night, and you know it." He does know. And he hates himself for it already. _Stop talking._ "And you can't do everything by yourself," he adds, defensive but not mean. Just shut _up_ already.

Iwaizumi tries to breathe, calm down, _think_ , but Oikawa just keeps on talking.

"You can't just shut everyone out all the time Iwa," Oikawa continues. "You have to let people help you sometimes." _Stop. Talking._ "I'm just trying to help you if you'd let me for once!"

_Shut up._

"This isn't just about last night, is it? It's about last week, isn't it?"

_Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut. Up._

"Iwa, are you even-"

"Shut the hell up!" Iwaizumi snaps, and he can practically feel Oikawa's expression change with shock. "Just stop _talking_ about it. I get it! I was a fucking mess, okay? I'm pathetic, great! I hate _everybody_! Good! Say it a few more times!" He lets out a long breath and there's silence. "Look, I don't know what came over me last night, but it won't happen again." 

"You were scared, Iwa-chan. It's okay to be scared sometimes, just like everyone else in the world," Oikawa says, in a falsely pleasant tone at the end. It gets under Iwaizumi's skin, picturing the sharp grin that definitely accompanies it, and he whips around to finally face him. "You're human. Sometimes you _need_ someone to cry to, Iwa, everyone does! Anyways, I don't even know why you're being so defensive about it-"

"I didn't _need_ you there!" Iwaizumi interrupts loudly, regretting it when he sees the hurt expression instantly settle on Oikawa's face. It quickly turns to anger, though his eyes grow wet with unfallen tears. When your words sting, Oikawa always wants his words to sting more, wants you to hurt how he does. Iwaizumi knows that, but he still isn't prepared.

"Oh really?" Oikawa says, low, "Then who will you call when you have a nightmare? Who will you run to Iwa-chan? Everyone else who's tried to help you and failed? Failed because you shut out _everyone_ who tries to get close to you? Who will peel you off the _god damn sidewalk_ next time Iwa-chan? Who will you _cry_ to when you get scared if you don't fucking _need me_ around anymore?" 

"I wasn't fucking scared of anything!" Iwaizumi shouts back, ignoring half or what Oikawa said. His hands shake and his eyes sting. He turns away again, leaning on the counter with awkwardly clenched fists. Oikawa aims to hurt in a way that gets under your skin and stays there for a while, and it works. "Would you just shut up about it already and leave me _alone_? Just leave me the fuck alone, Oikawa! For once!"

"You _were_ scared, Iwa-chan! And so was I!" Oikawa yells back and Iwaizumi watches him in the corner of his eye. "Do you even have _any_ idea how scared _I_ was last night, Iwa-chan? Did you ever think of that? Someone besides yourself? You call me at three in the morning, sounding terrified, tell me that you _aren't_ okay, then I hear the phone hit the floor and you stop answering me! Imagine what I thought after the way the last call like that went!" Now he breathes heavily too. "I had no idea what happened to you, and I was scared shitless! I was relieved just to find you _alive_ and in your apartment!" 

His expression is angry but his voice shakes and his eyes still water. No tears fall. The response surprises Iwaizumi but he maintains his angry expression. "Then, I ran here in the middle of the night, afraid you were _dead somewhere_ , just to make sure you were okay, even if it was just a spider on your wall!" Oikawa continues. "So I hope you feel really good, yelling at me."

Iwaizumi looks away again, but he _knows_ the smug expression on Oikawa's face. It's the one he makes when he's won an argument, but the kind of argument that no one actually wins. The kind that hurts both of you, but it's the face he makes when he knows he hurt you back, maybe even more than you hurt him. When he wants you to feel guilty about it. When he thinks he won. Iwaizumi clenches his fists tighter picturing it. 

"I never _asked_ you to do that for me," Iwaizumi says coldly, not facing Oikawa. He won't see his tears again, even if they haven't fallen yet. "I never _asked_ you to run to my side and protect me." He hears his voice shake.

Oikawa scoffs, but Iwaizumi knows it had hurt. Oikawa knows how to hurt him, but he knows how to hurt Oikawa. "I did it because I actually cared about you. Guess that was the first mistake I made, huh, Iwa-chan? Actually _giving a damn_ about someone as cold and selfish as you. Maybe I really should have just left you there," he spits.

The words sting as soon as he says them, and he can feel Oikawa regretting the words in the short silence that follows. He knows Oikawa wants to take the words back, but it's far too late. Maybe he didn't mean it, but Iwaizumi sure felt it.

***

Oikawa regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth. If there was one thing he should never have said, that was it. He had hit a nerve, poured salt into a wound that hasn't even begun to heal. Iwaizumi is finally snapping and he knows it. He had stepped way too far over that line, and there's no way to take it back. But he didn't mean it, he didn't mean any of it.

"Iwa-"

"Get out." Iwaizumi says in a low, shaky voice. His knuckles are white from gripping the counter, his shoulders hunched high. It's terrifying. Oikawa doesn't move, doesn't speak. He doesn't want to leave, he has to tell him he didn't mean it.

He tries to speak but he can't even get the words out. All the tears he was holding in finally start to fall as a sort of panic sets in. "I'm- Iwa, I-I didn't-"

" _Get out!_ " Iwaizumi shouts, his voice breaking as he throws his coffee mug at the wall next to him without looking up. It's nowhere near Oikawa, but it's enough to get his point across. Oikawa watches the cup shatter against the wall, coffee splattering all over the kitchen along with shards of the broken porcelain. 

"Fine," Oikawa says in a voice so low he doesn't even know if Iwaizumi hears him. "Be Mr. I-Don't-Need-Anybody. See how far that gets you," he finises, voice weak, trying to pretend he's confident in what he said. Trying. Trying and failing miserably.

***

And with that, Iwaizumi is standing alone in his kitchen, leaning over his counter, shoulders tense, fists clenched, surrounded by shattered ceramic and coffee. He regrets some of the words already, but the tears that finally fall are angry ones. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a terrible person for subjecting people to this sadness, I apologize, but I regret nothing.
> 
> Anyways, okay, I know some of that may have seemed confusing, but there are a few things that will get explained in later chapters, so don't worry. Anyways, thank you so much for reading and to anyone who leaves me comments and kudos, I super appreciate them! I'll be posting a chapter every day because I'm impatient and no one wants to wait that long, so, I'll be back tomorrow with more of this happy story!


	2. Long Talks and Broken Eggs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Could today get any worse?" he grumbles to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, they say things get worse before they get better. I regret to inform you that this is the part where it gets worse. It will get better I promise, but for now I'm sorry. I hope you enjoy anyways?

Oikawa was already half in tears before the conversation had even ended, and by the time he had put on his shoes and fled Iwaizumi's apartment, there was a steady stream of them rolling down his cheeks. People stared at him as he sped home in his pajamas at nearly eleven in the morning, crying his eyes out and trying his best to stay silent. Oikawa really couldn't bring himself to care how many people looked at him funny. 

As he pushes the door to his own apartment open, he finally allows himself to sob in the most loud and pathetic manner he can muster. He doesn't even have the energy to go all the way to his bedroom, just plopping down onto the couch and crying into a pillow until he can't anymore.

He can't even decide if he's crying about the terrible things Iwaizumi said to him during the fight, or if he's crying about the worse things he said to Iwaizumi. It's probably more the second than the first, but he'd be lying if he said it wasn't at least a little bit of both. 

Of course he regrets half the things he had said already. He said some awful things, went way too far, and he really wishes he could go back and keep them to himself. But he can't. And sure, Iwaizumi had said some nasty things that made Oikawa want to be nasty back, but in the end Oikawa had essentially won that battle. It doesn't feel like he won anything. It just feels like he lost everything. He lost his Iwa-chan.

Iwaizumi probably hates him now, and the worst part is that Oikawa can't even blame him. _Who will peel you off the sidewalk next time? I should've left you there._ What the fuck was Oikawa even thinking, saying that? It's not like he meant it for even a second, and it hurts knowing that Iwaizumi might think he did. What kind of friend says that? It's not even like pouring salt on a cut, it's like pouring acid onto a wide open wound. God, Oikawa really fucked this up.

And sure, that was the worst one, but that wasn't even all Oikawa had said. _The first mistake I made was giving a damn about someone as cold and selfish as you._ He knows better than anyone how to get under Iwaizumi's skin, and he definitely did. He knows it hurt. At the time, it felt good, to return the hurt that Iwaizumi made Oikawa feel, but now all he feels is an awful, suffocating guilt. Iwaizumi is gone and he knows it's his own damn fault.

Even though he knows it's is fault, Oikawa can't help the pain he still feels when he thinks about every thing Iwaizumi said. _I didn't ask you to do that for me. I didn't need you._ That one hurts the most to think about. Oikawa tries to push it out of his head, but it keeps coming back. He probably didn't mean it, but what if he did? What if Iwaizumi really doesn't want Oikawa around, doesn't _need_ him around.

Oikawa only does all that stuff because he cares about Iwaizumi. He cares so much, he can't even imagine his life without him around. Soon he won't _have_ to imagine. The thought practically tears Oikawa's heart in half and he frantically tries to shove it away. What has he done?

***

It's late when Iwaizumi stumbles into his apartment, trying to see where he's going over the crumpled pile of groceries in his arms. He makes his way slowly to the table where he sets down all the bags with a long sigh of relief, but it's cut off by the spilling of a drink that had been where the bags are now. He exhales loudly, slumping his shoulders even lower.

"Could today get any worse?" he grumbles to himself.

As he walks to the bathroom to get a towel to clean it up, he recalls the day's terrible events. It started with the fight with Oikawa, and even the thought of it stings as he quickly shoves it away. He doesn't want to think about any of it.

When he had finally tried to go out and get some lunch, despite how uneasy it made him or how exhausted he was, a man had accidentally spilled his drink all down the entire front side of Iwaizumi. _Don't freak out._ The man apologized immensely and Iwaizumi brushed it off, deciding to just head home. 

On his way back, Hanamaki called, wondering if he was still coming to lunch with them. He had completely forgotten about their plans during the chaos of his morning. Him, Hanamaki, Matsukawa, and Oikawa were all supposed to go out for lunch today, but that certainly wasn't happening now. Iwaizumi vaguely stated that he wasn't up for it and apologized. 

He wasn't in the mood to explain this over the phone and he definitely wasn't up for reliving the events of this morning again. Even thinking about it all now brought up a sea of restless emotions he didn't want to feel at all. He didn't want to deal with any of this today. They would probably find out from Oikawa soon enough. He angrily shoved all the thoughts to the back of his mind and kept walking. 

Apparently, everyone on the street was in a rush to get somewhere and insisted on trying to go through Iwaizumi instead of around him. Every few feet, a shoulder bumped him hard, a body rushed past almost knocking him over, but he just kept his head down and his anger in. _Don't freak out._

When he had finally gotten home, he realized he had left without his god damn keys, so now he was locked out, which made him swear and grumble, but his neighbor has a spare key, so it wasn't a big deal anyways. _Don't freak out._ But, when he knocked, he came to the realization that his neighbor wasn't home from work yet. Again, he swore and held back from punching something, _anything_. As much as he really fucking wanted to, he wasn't in the mood to deal with accidentally breaking the wall, or the door, or any part of his hand that wasn't already. But it's fine. _Don't freak out._

Finally, he decided to just go to the grocery store to kill time. It wasn't like he could just call someone and go somewhere else for a while, because, just to make this day better, his phone died about an hour ago. At least he doesn't have to worry about Oikawa calling anymore. He's running low on food in the apartment anyways.

On his way there, some idiotic teenager had the _genius_ idea to deliberately spit his gum out on Iwaizumi as he walked by with a snicker. But, that was a huge fucking mistake on his part. At this point in his day, so much had gone wrong already. He was so damn infuriated _already_ , and this almost completely set him off. _Almost._ He turned around to yell something profane at the kid, but he ran off before Iwaizumi could get anything out or let off any steam. The words trapped in his throat pushed against his building anxiety. _Don't freak out._

He had gotten home with his groceries, finally. The terrible day was ending and he just needed to get inside, just needed to sleep so it could finally be tomorrow. _Just get home. Just get inside. The day is over. Just get home._

But, on his way in, someone was on their way out. All the groceries fell, and before he even realized what he was doing, he was yelling, screaming. He had snapped and there was no holding it back now. Everything bad about his day had piled up and finally, this little thing made it too much to hold in. He was just so _angry_. He was angry at _everything._

He looked down and immediately regretted it. He had been yelling at a sweet old woman who was already hastily picking up his things, and even apologizing for being so oblivious. Iwaizumi apologized repeatedly as he quickly helped pick up the rest of his things. He honestly felt like crying, but he didn't. He tried to explain the kind of day he'd been having, but she stopped him before he could finish, even gave him money to replace his broken eggs before she left with a smile. It only made him feel more awful about yelling at her.

That had finally been enough to subdue his stupid anger, leaving him completely drained and exhausted, and honestly, really sad. That didn't last long though, the anger immediately returning in full force as Iwaizumi walks back to the table and sees that the cup he knocked over was Oikawa's untouched coffee from this morning. 

Anger courses through him like fire through a forest, remembering Oikawa, every single word he said, all the pain he had ripped up, straight back to the surface. He whips down the towel onto the mess and picks up the mug, throwing it angrily into the sink. He's surprised when it doesn't even break, just makes a loud clatter as it settles. It's almost more frustrating that it doesn't shatter. 

He yells into the silence of his apartment, at nothing, at everything. He can barely contain the sudden fire inside of him as he shoves both his hands in his hair, gripping it tight in frustration. Why did his day have to be this way? 

His heart is racing and again and he needs to hit _something._ This time he actually does punch the wall, without hesitation or any time to think about it, and he regrets it almost immediately.

"Fuck!" he yells grabbing his right hand in his left. Pain surges through his hand and up his arm, upsetting the already broken finger and quickly replacing the anger. He winces as he eventually tries to open and close his hand. It definitely isn't any more broken than it was, thankfully, but his knuckles are bleeding, and some parts have already begun to bruise. This could have been so much worse. So stupid. So _fucking stupid._

He goes to the bathroom and cleans the wound, wrapping his knuckles. When he finishes, he feels a little bit better, but the pain certainly doesn't leave. Slowly, he slides down the wall to sit on the cool, tile floor. He closes his eyes, resting his head against the wall. He breathes out long slow breaths, just trying to let out everything from today. 

His anger dissipates completely, the fire goes out, leaving only a charred and desolate forest in its wake. Without the anger, all he feels is the exhaustion of too many sleepless nights and terrible days along with the sadness that slides in to fill the empty spaces. He just feels defeated and so completely worn out. This day had taken everything out of him, physically and emotionally, and he just wants it to be over. 

He just wants sleep to turn today into tomorrow so today can be the unfortunate past instead of the agonizing present. He longs so much for sleep again, but he knows he won't sleep through the night. He hopes that maybe the universe will pity him, allow him just one night of complete and dreamless rest.

Before he knows it, he's asleep on his bathroom floor, but it's far from dreamless.

***

Oikawa has already tried to call Iwaizumi. He left a voicemail, but then the next time he called, it went straight to voicemail, meaning his phone is either dead, or he turned it off on purpose. Oikawa chooses to believe the first option, but he calls three more times anyways. He's tried texting him, too, about how terrible he is and feels, how he's sorry, how he just wants to talk, if he'd just answer so Oikawa can talk to him. He knows Iwaizumi hasn't seen them, but it still hurts when he doesn't respond.

That was hours ago. Now, he just lays in a disheveled heap on his couch in the same spot he was in when he got home, so incredibly glad that his roommates are visiting home for the summer and don't have to see him like this right now. He knows he looks awful, but he feels awful too, so it's okay.

At some point, Oikawa doesn't even know how long it's been, there's a knock on the door. He doesn't want to get up and actually answer it, but who the hell is visiting him right now anyways?

"It's open," he grumbles loudly from the couch.

The door opens to reveal a confused Hanamaki and a bored looking Matsukawa right behind him. Oikawa really doesn't want to deal with people today. Why are they even here?

"So, I guess you aren't doing lunch anymore, either?" Matsukawa says as they both stare at Oikawa like they just realized something. What are they- oh.

"Shit," Oikawa whines, rolling onto his back and shoving his hands in the mess his hair has become. "I completely forgot about lunch. I'm sorry."

"It fine. Iwaizumi canceled too," Matsukawa says casually, though he watches Oikawa carefully for a reaction. He can't help wincing a bit at his name, and he knows it's a definite give away if they don't know already.

"What's wrong with you?" Hanamaki asks. "Besides all the usual things," he adds with a smirk.

"I'm a terrible person," Oikawa groans, rolling back onto his face and choosing to ignore the second comment. He doesn't have the energy to care about Hanamaki's sass right now, and he's not in the mood to retaliate.

"He said besides all the usual things," Matsukawa says with a stupid grin that quickly fades when Oikawa doesn't say anything back, or even make a face.

"No, I'm serious," Oikawa says weakly, "I think I really messed it up this time and I'm such a fucking asshole. Why do I even have friends?"

"Couldn't tell ya," Hanamaki says with a chuckle. "Hey, I'm sure, whatever it is, it's not as bad as you're making it out to be," he continues, finally realizing that something might actually be wrong, that maybe Oikawa _isn't_ being dramatic. Maybe he got close enough to see how red and puffy his eyes are from crying. Contrary to what people may think, Oikawa actually doesn't cry that often.

"What are you even so upset about?" Matsukawa asks curiously.

"I think I finally went too far," Oikawa says quietly. He doesn't even know if they can hear him. "I think I drove Iwa-chan away."

 

Oikawa sits on his couch, now accompanied by Hanamaki and Matsukawa, hugging the pillow he cried into tight to his chest. He painfully recalls every moment of last night and this morning. They already know about the first incident from Iwaizumi himself, so he tells them about everything else. 

He talks about Iwaizumi calling him and how fucking scared that made him. He tells them about the night, and how terrified Iwaizumi actually was. He talks about the next morning, recalling the fight, the way Iwaizumi had started it and insisted that he could do everything by himself. He told them all the parts he could remember, all the nasty things Iwaizumi said and every horrible thing Oikawa said back.

By the time he's done telling his story, the room is silent and he feels the suffocating weight of fear and guilt creep back in. 

"Wow," is all Matsukawa can say when the silence stretches on too long.

"Okay, so maybe you weren't exaggerating," Hanamaki finally says. "Because this is honestly pretty damn bad. Did you really say all that? Because wow."

"Yes. I feel fucking awful," Oikawa says, burying his face in the pillow. "And now he won't answer me and I don't know what to do because he probably hates me now and I can't even blame him for it," Oikawa rants, slightly muffled by the pillow. What is he supposed to do now? What do you do when you ruin everything? How do you talk to someone who doesn't want to listen?

"Obviously it isn't all your fault, but I do agree that there were some very low blows on your part," Hanamaki concludes. "I wouldn't want to talk to you either, if it were me."

Matsukawa shoots him a glare but Hanamaki only shrugs innocently. 

"He isn't wrong," Oikawa says, "I don't want to talk to me either. But how do I apologize if he won't even answer me?"

"Well, Iwaizumi was kind of right when he said you've been overprotective of him lately," Matsukawa says. That can't be true. This is how Oikawa has always been towards Iwaizumi. He cares about him. "So, maybe just give him some space instead of spamming his phone. Don't look so startled. We all know you've called at least ten times by now."

"I'm not over protective," Oikawa declares, ignoring the rest.

"No, you've definitely been more than the regular amount of clingy with Iwaizumi lately," Hanamaki adds with a nod. "I noticed it too. It's hard not to, really."

"I'm not clingy!" Oikawa protests. "We're friends and I care about his well being. Is that a crime now?"

"Well, you said he was mad about how supposedly ' _not_ protective' you've been acting," Hanamaki continues, ignoring Oikawa. "Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it probably feels like you don't think he can take care of _himself_ anymore."

"I don't think that! I just get worried! That call would have worried anyone!"

"True," Matsukawa states flatly. "But, I think we _all_ know this isn't all about last night and this morning," he continues, glancing expectantly at Oikawa.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not over protective," Oikawa concludes stubbornly, crossing his arms.

"Hey, Makki. You noticed the over protectiveness too, yeah?" Matsukawa asks in an exaggerated tone.

"Why, yes. I did," Hanamaki replies, turning away from Oikawa to face Matsukawa fully.

"When do you think that all started?" Matsukawa continues.

"Hm, I'd say about a week ago."

"Interesting. Can you remember anything else significant that happened about a week ago, Makki?"

"Well, Mattsun," Hanamaki starts, pretending to think about it. He doesn't have to think about it. Oikawa grimaces, knowing where this is going already. "I think there may have been this scary experience that Oikawa and a certain one of our other friends went through."

"Who might that be?"

"Okay, I'm right here! I get it!" Oikawa finally cuts in. "It probably messed me up a little, okay? Iwa-chan too, obviously. So maybe I worry more now, so what? Who wouldn't? What's so wrong with that?" Oikawa rants defensively.

"Well, now that we're all on the same page about this," Matsukawa continues, "Iwaizumi might want some space. I don't know for sure, but I think maybe you should wait until he's ready to talk to you, especially if he's mad right now. Maybe not though, who knows how he's doing? I'll probably go check on him tomorrow or something."

"But I have to tell him I'm sorry!" Oikawa almost shouts, like he can't say it fast enough. "I can't wait to do that, what if I wait too long?" Oikawa asks nervously. He already feels like Iwaizumi is slipping away from him. He doesn't want him to get any farther.

"You don't have to take my advice, Oikawa, but that's my opinion," Matsukawa finishes with a lazy shrug. Hanamaki nods. 

"Besides, saying you're sorry doesn't mean much when there's no one around to hear it," Hanamaki adds.

"Then just take me with you when you go to see him," Oikawa suggests a little too desperately.

"That sounds like a terrible idea," Hanamaki states plainly. 

"Yeah, I'm not going to mess with anything until at least after I see how Iwaizumi is doing with all this," Matsukawa declares. "I think you should give it until tomorrow so he has time to cool off. The fight was only this morning, Oikawa, and we all know Iwaizumi wasn't even faring too well before that." Oikawa frowns, because he knows everything they've said is true, but he just wants to talk to him. Is that so much to ask? Maybe it is. Oikawa is in no place to be picky. 

Maybe they're right, or maybe they're wrong. But, if Iwaizumi isn't going to respond to the messages he's already sent, he probably won't respond to ten different ones. Oikawa doesn't even know how to feel about any of this, but maybe he'll wait, at least until tomorrow.

***

Iwaizumi wakes up screaming for the second time in two days, this time on the cold bathroom floor.

He's in the same state as before, sweat coating his body, heart hammering out of his chest. And again, it's like he can't remember how to _breathe. Just breathe._

He has the same dream again, only this time it's somehow even worse, still replaying relentlessly in his mind. He can never remember his good dreams, yet these nightmares never want to go away. Why can't it just _get out_ of his head?

He forgets why he's in the bathroom on the floor until he goes to stand up and pain shoots quickly through his hand, making him cringe and fall back down. That's why. Anger always makes him do stupid things he fucking regrets, and this is another great example. He tries again, slower this time, easing off of his right hand. His muscles feel weak and his whole body trembles beneath him.

Yet again, the feeling won't go away as he heaves in slightly painful, ragged breaths. Once again, he tries to close his eyes and slow his breathing. But the dream breaks back into his mind, bringing with it the horrible sick feeling in his stomach. He tries to push it away, but the thought comes back even harder, and this time he can't hold it back. He heaves whatever will come up into the toilet, staying there for a moment, coughing. At least he was already in the bathroom, because on a day like today, having somewhere to throw up is a fucking silver lining.

Eventually, he manages to stand and stagger on unsteady legs towards the sink, the heaving having made all his muscles feel even weaker than they had previously. He almost falls over once, but manages to catch himself on the sink. Just stand up. Just _breath._ Come on.

He looks at himself in the mirror, sweaty and shaking with dark circles under his eyes. He hates seeing himself this way, and he closes his eyes tight. Why is this happening again? Why can't he ever seem to calm himself down? It was just a _dream._ You're awake. It's not _real_. But it still feels real as it creeps back into his mind. Stop thinking about it. Stop being afraid. You can handle yourself. 

At some point he makes his way to his bed, his pulse pounding hard in his ears. He kneels on the bed with his head down between his knees and his arms above his head, just trying to slow his heart. He closes his eyes and grabs as tightly as he can manage onto the sheets in both his fists, despite the pain it brings. The pain is distracting, forces the other thoughts out.

He looks instinctively at his phone, but there's no one to call now who will pick up this late. He doesn't care. He doesn't _need_ anyone. He doesn't need Oikawa. But why, _why_ the fuck is this happening again? He told himself it wouldn't. He told _Oikawa_ that it wouldn't happen, that he'd be fine. That he doesn't _need_ him. That he can handle himself. So why the hell can't he? It's just a damn dream, so why can't he remember how to breathe? 

He sits there, trying to calm the fuck down. Something in him hopes he'll eventually fall back asleep, but at the same time, sleep isn't even a place to escape to anymore. He's so exhausted, though, he can barely think anymore. So he wishes for sleep, dreamless or not, to take over and let this day finally end.

He sits awake for hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for all this emotion. Thanks for reading though, and as always, thank you if you leave me comments and kudos! I'll be back tomorrow, but it may be kind of late.


	3. Missed Calls and Long Stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You never told him?" Iwaizumi asks Nishinoya, genuinely confused. 
> 
> "Oh. Well, I didn't know if it was okay to say anything about it or not, so I didn't."
> 
> "Well, I guess I can just tell him now if he doesn't already know,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is the chapter where everything will make a little more sense! This is the part with the answers! Also, I apologize for the lack of Oikawa parts in this chapter. It's super uneven, but this chapter is heavily focused on Iwaizumi. There will be more Oikawa in the next chapter though, I promise! Still not super happy yet, but we're getting there. I hope you enjoy anyways, despite all this angst!
> 
> (Also, the backstory part is kind of violent, so if you don't want to read that part, skip the large chunk of italics at the end and I will summarize it in the end notes for anyone who decides to skip it.)

Iwaizumi's alarm startles him, almost making him fall off of the bed. He had been able to calm down eventually, relaxing a little, breathing again, but he hadn't been able to fall back asleep until about twenty minutes ago. It's not like he had expected to be able to sleep long, but no one can blame him for hoping. And now it's morning, and somehow, Iwaizumi has to get to work. Not to mention he has to start accommodating for a longer walk.

Slowly, he gets out of bed, muscles stiff and aching, and wow is he tired. How can it feel like his eyes want to close, yet when he does, he never actually falls asleep? Well, that's not entirely true, but he can never seem to stay asleep long enough to feel awake the next day. The only time he slept well in a long time was actually the night Oikawa stayed over. Shit. Iwaizumi does not want to think about that right now. It's too fucking early.

He shoves the thoughts away and reluctantly gets ready for work, ignoring the still wrecked kitchen. He walks around the broken pieces of his favorite mug and drinks coffee out of a different cup for the first time in a very long time.

 

Iwaizumi strolls sluggishly into the 24-hour store he works at. His shoulders are slumped low and his whole body feels unstable. His head aches and every sound is way too much, sending shockwaves of pain right through him. Dark circles of yet another sleepless night hang prominently below his drooping eyes as he walks behind the counter to grab his apron. 

"You're here, good, I can finally leave!" The familiar and upbeat voice comes from somewhere else behind the counter, making him cringe slightly as the sudden noise sends pain through his skull. It's Nishinoya, who is currently ducked behind the counter, gathering something from underneath it but clearly having trouble. 

Iwaizumi and Nishinoya had gone to different high schools and Iwaizumi had only ever known him as the libero from Karasuno. But apparently, they ended up at the same university. They don't have any classes together or anything, but after being on the same volleyball team and working at the same store for over a year, they'd actually become really good friends.

"I have brunch plans with Ryuu," he chirps, still too loud for Iwaizumi's liking, as he unties his apron, "So-"

He stops the second he catches sight of Iwaizumi, frozen in place, looking at him like he's grown a second head.

"Oh my god, Hajime-san, are you okay?" Nishinoya asks, sounding genuinely concerned. His eyes scan over Iwaizumi as he waits for a response.

"I'm fine, I just didn't get much sleep last night," Iwaizumi grumbles, irritated. He'd only actually slept for about twenty minutes. "Or the night before that," he mumbles under his breath.

"Fine? Did you really just look me in the eyes and tell me with a straight face that you're fine? Hajime-san, are you kidding me?" Nishinoya asks incredulously. "You look like you're either going to throw up or _die_ , whichever one comes first, and honestly, I don't want to see either. And don't do either in here because I'd have to clean it," he fires off quickly, "Are you on some weird drugs or something?" he asked in a lower voice, looking around.

"No, dumbass!" Iwaizumi spits back, hitting Nishinoya's arm, "And Noya, please stop yelling, I have the worst headache right now," he continues, pinching bridge of his nose and closing his eyes tight.

"I'm just talking normal."

"I know," Iwaizumi groans back.

Nishinoya makes a face, but does quiet down. "Do you want me to just take your shift for you?" he asks, already putting his apron back on. "You should seriously go lay down or something before you actually do die. And what the hell happened to your hand this time? That's new right? I'm not crazy?" he asks, gesturing towards the hand with the bandages on the knuckles.

"Don't worry about it," Iwaizumi says dismissively, earning him a look from Nishinoya that says he'll have to explain later anyways. "And it's fine, I'll work. I'm already here anyways. You said you had plans,” Iwaizumi protests but the shorter boy is busy putting his name tag back on.

"No, it's no big deal, really. Tanaka has the day off so he's free all day anyways. That's why we were going to get brunch but I'll just text him that I can't. I think you not dying in front of a customer is a little higher on the priority list than brunch with someone I see literally every day. Seriously, go home before you actually fall over. I just fixed these shelves," Noya jokes, practically ripping Iwaizumi's apron off to hang it up again. 

“Haven’t you already been awake since midnight? You should go home and sleep, Noya, not work six more hours.”

“You should go home and sleep,” Nishinoya says firmly with his hands on his hips. “Besides, I don’t sleep right when I get home anyways.”

Iwaizumi is a stubborn person, but so is Nishinoya. He tries to protest for a while, but Nishinoya practically pushes him out the door, so eventually he gives up. He's tired anyways, and despite the stubborn part of him, he's relieved. He thanks Nishinoya and heads back to his apartment. He has to remember to pay him back sometime, buy him lunch or something. Or brunch. 

 

It's almost noon and Iwaizumi sits in a ball on his couch. When he got home, he had immediately peeled off his work clothes and changed into some athletic shorts and a big, worn out hoodie he's had for longer than he can remember. It was his dad's but somehow he had managed to claim it when he was a kid. It isn't a dress on him anymore, but it's still big enough for the frayed sleeves to be a little long, and he always finds himself wearing it when he's missing home or having a bad day. Honestly, both of those could apply right now. 

Some movie is playing in the background as he sits there, but Iwaizumi isn't really watching it. He's just exhausted, his headache hasn't gone away, and all he wants is to sleep. Nishinoya wasn't wrong when he said he needed it. He's been trying to sleep on the couch since he got home, but he can't. Maybe it's his subconscious trying to avoid anymore nightmares, or maybe it's something else.

He's ripped out of his thoughts when his cell phone rings, and there's a moment of dread where he assumes it's Oikawa again. He's called a few times today, and even more than that yesterday. But Iwaizumi doesn't want to talk about any of it, think about any of it. So, he ignores the calls, the texts, the voicemails. Maybe that makes him a jerk, but he pushes the thoughts away again and picks up the phone.

He's pleasantly surprised, and more than a little relieved to see that it's actually his mom calling, so he answers.

"Hey," he answers weakly into the phone.

 _"Hajime, it's mom,"_ she chirps cheerfully. It's so nice to hear her voice. _"I was just calling to check in again and see how you were doing. How are your fingers? Are they better?"_

"They're fine."

_"That's good! How about your head? Didn't you say the stitches were coming out?"_

"Yeah," he replies, hearing his voice crack a little. He clears his throat. "Um, yeah. The stitches came out like two days ago. It's going to leave a scar though." He doesn't even know why the conversation makes his eyes sting, but he quickly blinks it away.

 _"Oh, don't worry about that, everybody has scars. They show how strong you are."_ Iwaizumi smiles weakly. His mom has more scars than you can count on one hand, and she's always more than happy to tell the novel of a story that goes with each one. _"So how have things been? Are you doing okay?"_

Is he doing okay? That's a more loaded question than his mom probably realizes. He knows she was just asking about last week, and of course that's still on his mind, but there's so much more thrown on top of that now. He's still been trying to believe that things are under control, that he's okay. No matter how much shit has been happening, he can surely handle it. 

But this question, simple and innocent as it may be, makes him realize that he's really _not_ okay, is he? How could he be? He considers lying for his mother's sake but his mouth moves before his brain considers this.

"Um, not really," he croaks out softly, voice shaking. He can feel hot tears finally roll down his cheeks as he bites his bottom lip and tries in vain to blink them back. 

_"Hajime, what's wrong?"_ she asks softly, and he only cries more, because _everything_. Everything is wrong. Something in him breaks at that point and lets go of any control he was holding onto, practically sobbing into the phone as he rambles off an incoherent explanation of the god awful week he's been having. He just talks and talks while his mom patiently listens.

***

Oikawa sits restlessly on his bed, staring at his phone. He had called Iwaizumi a few more times, but this time it didn't go straight to voicemail. It rang and rang and every time there was no answer. If he wasn't sure that Iwaizumi was ignoring him before, he sure is now.

He sighs, rolling over but immediately springing back up when he hears his text tone go off. He fumbles for his phone in a desperate manner he's really glad no one is around to see, before he finally has the damn thing in his hands.

He's disappointed to see that it's not Iwaizumi, but he's hopeful when he see's that it's from Matsukawa. Oikawa had texted him earlier, but he hadn't responded until now. Honestly, he was expecting him to ignore it.

**Oikawa: You're going to see Iwa-chan today right??**

**Mattsun: Yeah**

Before Oikawa can even finish typing, his phone goes off again and another message appears.

**Mattsun: And no.**

**Mattsun: You can't come with me**

Oikawa groans at the ceiling. He thought that maybe if he went with Matsukawa, Iwaizumi would have to talk to him, but now what is he supposed to do? And Matsukawa hadn't even let him ask.

**Oikawa: I didn't even say anything yet!!**

**Mattsun: So you're telling me you weren't just going to ask me that?**

He's right, which is annoying. Oikawa decides it's better just to ignore that all together.

**Oikawa: Why can't I go?**

He waits for a minute that feels way too long before his phone goes off.

**Mattsun: You know why.**

**Mattsun: Bye.**

Oikawa rolls onto his face and groans into the pillow, but he doesn't text back. With Matsukawa, 'bye' means he actually will not respond. He probably won't even open it. This sucks. So he tries to call Iwaizumi again.

***

Eventually, Iwaizumi gets up and decides to just take a shower. He feels disgusting right now and maybe it will help clear his head some. Showers usually make him feel better. So, he manages to drag himself quite ungracefully off the couch and into the bathroom.

He doesn't even really end up washing himself, just standing under the cascade of hot water and letting it wash over him for a while. It's nice though. 

As he puts on some clean shorts and a t-shirt, he realizes that in his incredibly sleep deprived state, he completely forgot to put the stupid plastic bag over the splints on his fingers. The foam is soaked and the tape has pretty much just become soggy blobs of paper. To make it all better, the bandages on his knuckles are soaked too. He exhales loudly into the silence of the bathroom. He needed to change the tape anyways, but now he has to wait for the foam part to dry. It's frustrating.

So, he spends about ten minutes just trying to get the wet tape off of his fingers without it hurting too much, and boy is that irritating. How is it too wet to stick, yet somehow still impossible to get off? It's only after a lot of swearing at inanimate objects that he finally has all the tape and bandages off, though any calmness that the shower brought has been replaced with frustration. That was short lived.

Carefully, he slides off the splints one at a time to squeeze out most of the water before putting them back on with just as much care. That part isn't too bad, but he severely underestimates the difficulty of the next task.

He spends longer than he'd like to admit, just trying to put new tape on, because boy is it fucking impossible to grab, rip, peel, or do anything to this god damn tape when you have three shit fingers to work around.

"Are you fucking _kidding me?_ " he practically screams as he tries and fails about ten times to rip the piece of tape he's trying to get. With the way things have been going lately, and how little sleep he's had, it doesn't take long before he's just alone in his bathroom screaming at tape. He's so tired and he's not in any kind of mood to deal with this shit right now. After about a half hour of losing a battle against tape, he actually feels like crying again. Not even out of saddness but just utter dispair, the kind of frustrated tears that come right when you don't want them to. He doesn't even have the energy to push it away.

Why does this have to happen? Today is just not going well. Everything built up to today and now everything he's been trying desperately to hold in place is all slipping. It's all falling apart, finally breaking, because of a piece of fucking tape. Can he seriously not manage anything by himself anymore? 

At this point, he can't even stop the tears that roll down his cheeks, nor does he have the energy or motivation to do so. Who fucking cares at this point? It's not even about the tape, it's about everything. So many things kept on going wrong and stacking up, and in the end, something this small was all it took to push it all over the edge. He felt like he had some amount of control before today, but now it's suddenly way too much. He could handle it until he couldn't, and this is the part where he can't anymore.

 

At some point, he's aware of someone calling his name from somewhere in his apartment. He doesn't know who it could even be, but he really doesn't care. It's a familiar voice, and eventually the voice finds him. Matsukawa looks worried as he appears in the doorway to the bathroom. 

"What happened?" Matsukawa asks as he closes the small distance between them to crouch right beside Iwaizumi. 

"I can't rip the fucking tape," he croaks out in frustration, trying and failing at wiping the tears from his face. He can't even stop the tears that continue to fall, so eventually he just settles for covering his face with his hands, pressing his palms to his eyes until it hurts. "Shit." Why did this have to happen? He really doesn't want to cry right now, especially in front of Matsukawa, but it's not like he could control it even if he tried. He can't control anything anymore and it sucks. 

"Hey, hey, come on. It's okay," Matsukawa says in the most tender voice Iwaizumi has ever heard him use before, eyes widening just a little like he's not quite sure what to do. "Look, I'll tape it for you," he continues, pulling Iwaizumi's hands gently away from his face and grabbing the tape. He says it in such a way that Iwaizumi can tell Matsukawa knows none of this is about tape.

Iwaizumi finds his body moving on autopilot, like he's watching a movie rather than living it. He holds out a hand and Matsukawa begins to carefully tape the splints. It's silent, aside from Iwaizumi's hitched breathing as the tears gradually subside. 

"I'm sorry," Iwaizumi says eventually and Matsukawa looks up at him from his spot on the floor with a confused expression on his face.

"For what?"

"For crying like this. Apparently it's all I fucking do now," he spits without much actual bite behind the words.

"Iwaizumi, you don't have to be sorry for that," Matsukawa says sternly. "Everything has been terrible for you lately and you've been through a ton of shit all at once, so no one has any right to judge you for crying about it, and no one is going to, okay?"

"Thanks," is all Iwaizumi can think to say, and it's enough to satisfy Matsukawa. It's quiet for a while before he continues. "Though I wish I didn't _have_ to cry. I can't even decide if your timing is great or if it sucks. Why did you even come here?" 

"Well, after talking to Oikawa yesterday," he begins and Iwaizumi's chest aches, "I decided I should come check up on you to see how you were doing. Makki was going to come but he's working." Iwaizumi doesn't say anything and Matsukawa doesn't press him to or elaborate any further. It's not like he has to. It's pretty obvious to both of them that Iwaizumi is not doing good. When did any of this even get so bad?

After he's finishes, Matsukawa stands without a word and rustles through Iwaizumi's medicine cabinet until he's found everything he needs to take care of the wound across Iwaizumi's knuckles.

"So, what's this from?" Matsukawa asks, focusing on what he's doing rather than the way Iwaizumi glances away, feeling a little guilty for some reason.

"Punching a wall," Iwaizumi admits, earning him a long exasperated sigh from Matsukawa.

"That's probably not the best idea when you already have three broken fingers."

Iwaizumi doesn't answer and Matsukawa doesn't ask him about it, and for that, Iwaizumi is grateful. He doesn't bring up anything about yesterday, and Iwaizumi doesn't really want to talk about it anyways.

After a while, Iwaizumi leans his head against the wall behind him and closes his eyes, letting Matsukawa finish wrapping his hand while a comfortable silence settles in the room. 

 

It's a little after ten when his phone buzzes. He looks down to see it's a text from Nishinoya.

**Noya: Hey are you feeling any better?**

**Noya: Did you get any damn sleep???**

Iwaizumi almost laughs at the question.

**Iwaizumi: Not really**

Nishinoya's reply was almost instantaneous.

**Noya: Hajime-saaan you need to sleep!!!**

**Iwaizumi: Trust me. I've tried.**

God, he had tried. He's been trying to sleep on and off ever since Matsukawa left after keeping him company for a while. He had fallen asleep a few times, but only about twenty minutes of restless sleep each time. He had tried to read too, but he couldn't focus at all.

**Noya: Then just come over**

As Iwaizumi considers this, he receives another text.

**Noya: We can talk about whatever it is that's been bugging you so much.**

**Noya: Or you can just come over and hang out. Ya know get your mind off it or whatever if you don't wanna talk about it**

Iwaizumi knows Nishinoya pretty well. He always tries to be helpful without pushing, because by not pushing, he's somehow always able to get him to talk. Iwaizumi knows that either way, if he decides to go over, he's going to end up talking about everything. Does he want that? Not really, no. Does he need that? Maybe. Either way, hanging out with Noya is way better than sitting on his couch not sleeping.

His phone buzzes in his hands, startling him out of his thoughts.

**Noya: Ryuu is home btw. I hope you don't mind.**

**Iwaizumi: When has that ever been an issue?**

**Noya: Idk I was just asking**

**Noya: Whatever you're coming right?**

Iwaizumi hesitates for a moment, thumbs hovering over the keyboard before he eventually sighs and types out a reply.

**Iwaizumi: Sure**

**Noya: Yay! Get your ass over here!**

And with that, Iwaizumi left his apartment. He grabs his phone and his keys, locking the door behind him. He doesn't even bother to change, still wearing the old hoodie and some shorts. Whatever, he's only going to Noya's house. It's fine. 

On second thought, he has to stop somewhere first.

 

He arrives at Nishinoya's apartment a little bit later than he wanted to. He knocks on the door and waits for not even half a second before the door swings open, revealing Nishinoya smiling up at Iwaizumi. He wears a loose fitting t-shirt for a band Iwaizumi has never heard of and his jeans pool just slightly around his feet as he welcomes him inside. Over his shoulder, Iwaizumi can see Tanaka peering into the fridge, wearing only sweatpants.

Some people claim to stay friends after high school, but Tanaka and Nishinoya are the perfect example of it actually happening. After graduating, they had gotten into the same university, and even now they're still room mates.

As Iwaizumi walks in and Nishinoya apologizes for the slight mess, Tanaka finally notices Iwaizumi and looks up from the open fridge with a carton of milk in one hand.

"Oh hey, Iwaizumi," he says casually, taking a sip from the carton. "Man, you really do look like you're dying." 

"Ryuu, shut up, that's rude," Nishinoya says shooting him a look.

"You said it, not me."

"Can you please put a shirt on when we have guests?" Nishinoya says, ignoring the comment. "And don't drink the milk from the carton! Other people use that!"

"Noya, what kind of sad world do we live in where a man can't be shirtless in his own home and drink some milk without a cup?" Tanaka questions dramatically, though he throws on a tank top that was on the floor near by as he says it.

"Hey, isn't that mine?" Nishinoya asks as he clears off the small table.

"Beggars can't be choosers," Tanaka replies with a shrug, now pouring milk into a cup.

Nishinoya sits down at the now clear table, and Iwaizumi follows, taking the chair across from him. At some point Tanaka had moved to the couch and turned on the tv, keeping the volume low.

"Do you want a drink or something? I feel like this conversation requires drinks," Nishinoya says as he stands back up and wanders towards the kitchen. 

"Sure," Iwaizumi replies, setting the grocery bag he brought with him on the table. "Oh," he says, suddenly remembering the contents of the bag, "I bought you some popsicles on my way here." He slides the bag across the table and Nishinoya practically flies across the room to snatch the bag.

"Seriously?" he exclaims, gazing into the bag like this is the best thing that's ever happened to him. "What's the occasion?" he asks with a child like grin that Iwaizumi can't help but smile at. 

"Well, you covered for me today, and I know this doesn't make up for it or anything but-"

"Of course this makes up for it!" Nishinoya basically shouts as he picks up the bag and heads back to the kitchen. On his way there, he takes a popsicle out of the bag and finishes it before he's even reached the freezer.

After putting away the popsicles, Nishinoya finally makes his way back to the table with three beers in hand, reclaiming his seat across from Iwaizumi. 

"Ryuu! Catch!" he shouts, turning and tossing one of the beers across the room to where Tanaka is sprawled out on the couch.

"What?" Tanaka asks lazily, looking up just in time to dodge the bottle flying towards him. It lands next to him on the couch, thank god. That really could have gone worse. "Noya what the hell-" he stops, turning to see what was thrown at him. "Oh. Thanks," he says as he somehow manages to open the bottle against the edge off the coffee table and slurps the foam that flows forth before returning his attention to the tv. These guys seriously have a weird relationship. 

"Shit. Hey, do you mind if I take out Precious?" Noya asks. "I haven't seen her at all today."

"No, it's fine," Iwaizumi says waving a dismissive hand, and with that, he's run off in the direction of a hallway. Precious isn't your typical pet, but then again, Nishinoya isn't your typical person. Either way, Iwaizumi has never quite minded her. 

"Okay, okay, I'm back," Nishinoya says as he walks back up to the table with a tarantula in the palm of his hand and a bottle opener in the other. He sits down for the third time that night, opening both bottles before finally beginning. "Alright, so," Nishinoya says as he visibly sets his focus on Iwaizumi, despite the large spider that he passes gingerly between his hands, "What the heck happened with you today?"

Iwaizumi pauses, wondering how to answer. "I told you already. I didn't sleep much last night. I haven't slept much in days actually." He's exhausted just at the thought.

"Okay, so why exactly can't you sleep then?" Nishinoya asks, making it clear that he's not letting Iwaizumi get away with so little explanation on the topic. "Is this a new thing?"

"Not exactly. Well, it's recent," Iwaizumi says, deciding to focus on the way Precious crawls up Nishinoya's arm rather than meeting the intense stare that Nishinoya focuses on him.

"And by recent, do you mean a week ago?" Nishinoya asks in a tone that suggests he already knows what the answer is.

Iwaizumi lets out a long sigh and nods his head. "That's not even all of it though. Everything is just confusing and I don't know what to do about any of it."

"So tell me 'all of it' and I'll try to make it less confusing."

Nishinoya listens intently as Iwaizumi begins to describe the events of the past few nights in detail. It went from a quick explanation to emptying literally every thought in his mind. Every thought, feeling, and doubt that Iwaizumi had came out as he ranted endlessly to the attentive ears around him. At some point, Tanaka had stopped watching tv and directed his attention towards their conversation.

When Iwaizumi finished reliving what has been pretty much the worst week of his life, he feels completely drained, and way too many emotions are trying to work their way to the surface at once.

"Well you really can't be so mad at yourself for freaking out on the night with Oikawa, or any of the other times for that matter," Nishinoya finally says as Precious makes her way up the side of his face. "I mean, shit like that happens to everyone sometimes, and it's especially understandable considering what's been going on lately for you. Do you think it has anything to do with what happened a week ago?”

Iwaizumi really doesn't know. It probably does have to do with that. Honestly, it definitely has at least something to do with that. How could it not? That's when it all started anyways. Maybe that's why the nightmares are happening in the first place. Probably. 

Iwaizumi goes to respond but he stops. "Okay, I really can't take you seriously with a spider on your face," Iwaizumi says finally. Maybe he's just stalling. Who cares. Nishinoya rolls his eyes, but gently coaxes her back onto his hand.

"So?" he says, raising his eyebrows expectantly as he goes back to passing Precious aimlessly between his hands.

"I don't know, probably," Iwaizumi says softly, "I know it probably has something to do with why I was so mad at Oikawa that night..." he says trailing off. Suddenly he feels bad for yelling at Oikawa, thinking back on it finally. He had said some bad things to Oikawa, things he knew would get under his skin in the worst kind of way. Despite the fact that what Oikawa said may have been worse, it doesn't make what Iwaizumi said good. It also certainly doesn't replace the anger he feels at all of the things Oikawa said, but it does mix in, creating an awful feeling.

"What do you mean?" Nishinoya presses. He always asks the simplest questions, yet somehow those are the ones that force Iwaizumi to give a real answer. 

"Well, it's just..." Iwaizumi trails off, trying to find the words to explain."Ever since then, Oikawa has been super over protective of me and I can tell he's worried all the time. He's always checking in on me all the time now. Anyways, you get the point. But, it was just getting on my nerves so much because I hate this feeling, like he thinks I can't take care of myself. And helping someone with certain things after they get injured is one thing, but how Oikawa was acting was something else."

"Well, I definitely see where you're coming from. That would annoy me too," Nishinoya says after Iwaizumi has finished his rant. "But, at the same time, don't you think it's just because he cares about you? I mean, that night probably messed him up a little bit too." It makes Iwaizumi hurt a little inside, thinking about what that night must have been like for Oikawa.

"I know, I know," Iwaizumi says with a long sigh, "But by the time I had that breakdown, or whatever the hell it was, it had already been getting on my nerves for some reason, and I was thinking about it all when he showed up. I don't know. Something about the night I had just set me off and I yelled at him about everything all at once."

It's silent for a while before Iwaizumi adds softly, "I never even told him what the dreams were about. That probably has something to do with it, but I have no fucking clue what. It feels like I don't know anything anymore."

Iwaizumi doesn't even know how to feel now. He's still mad, sad, frustrated, hurt even. He doesn't even know which one he's supposed to feel. It's not even all about Oikawa. This is all way too much.

"Sorry if it's none of my business, but what do you guys mean by 'since then' or 'a week ago'?" Tanaka asks suddenly. Iwaizumi has almost forgotten he was listening at all. "Since what? What happened a week ago?"

"You never told him?" Iwaizumi asks Nishinoya, genuinely confused. He tells Tanaka everything. Iwaizumi figured he would've already told him about this. Then again, Tanaka and Iwaizumi are friends, but not like Iwaizumi is friends with Nishinoya. He had probably assumed it was something Tanaka didn't need to know about. It is kind of personal, actually.

"Oh. Well, I didn't know if it was okay to say anything about it or not, so I didn't."

"Say what?" Tanaka questions impatiently.

"Well, I guess I can just tell him now if he doesn't already know," Iwaizumi begins, turning to face Tanaka more. "It was actually about nine days ago now."

 

_Iwaizumi was walking home. It was a normal night. Warm, a little breezy. The streets were practically deserted on the back roads he took home every work day. He didn't usually work the evening shift, he pretty much never did, and he was tired as hell because of it. One of his coworkers had needed him to cover the evening shift today. It was a little annoying, but he didn't really mind doing it. His day had been pretty long, though, so really he just wanted to get home._

_There was an alleyway he usually used as a shortcut during the day, and it vaguely occurred to him that the ten minutes it saved him during his walk might not be worth it at night. But, muscle memory won out over the tired thoughts that came a little too late, and he was halfway through before it occurred to him that this was a very bad idea. As he thought this, he heard a small shuffle and whipped his head around. No one was there. He kept walking, picking up his pace. It was less distance at this point to just keep going._

_Suddenly there was a hand gripping tight on his shoulder. He turned in an effort to face the person and to shake off the hand, but he was only met with a hard punch to the face. He felt the man searching around for his wallet as pain exploded in his cheek. Any fear he might have felt was easily replaced with a swiftly moving wave of anger._

_He quickly fought back, punching the man in the face on a reflexive impulse. Iwaizumi wasn't a huge guy, but he was strong, stronger than this guy for sure. Usually he didn't like fighting people, and this time wouldn't have been any different if this guy hadn't decided to introduce himself fist first. He stumbled backwards and another man appeared out of the darkness before Iwaizumi could make his escape. They both appeared to be younger than Iwaizumi, and he was sure he could take them based on how terribly prepared both strangers seemed for any kind of fight. It was too far to run anywhere safer anyways. He had gotten into this, and there was no getting out._

_As the second one charged, Iwaizumi dodged his punch easily, and managed to grab the guy's shoulders, headbutting before he could even try to escape the grip. He smashed right into the guy's nose, feeling it break._

_Before he had even let go of the second man, pain rippled through his shoulder. He could still see the guy with the now bloody nose as he hit the ground, and the first attacker, who was now staggering to his feet. There were three._

_He kicked the first guy in the chest before he even got close enough to swing and he fell right back down without much resistance. Iwaizumi whipped around to finally face the third man, catching a fist to his collarbone as soon as he did. He stumbled, but quickly he was able to land a few blows on the man, causing him to lurch backwards. He fought like this for a while, alternating between them and hitting whoever was closest. These guys really weren't skilled fighters. He could do this if he could just keep track of them, maybe if he moved towards the street while he fought._

_But then there were four men. Then five._

_Eventually it was too much. He hurt everywhere, and he was exhausted as he desperately fought back. Adrenaline can only do so much. At some point he had switched from mostly fighting to mainly just trying to get to the street. All the anger had drained away and a desperate fear crept back in._

_He did well considering the numbers, but it was only a matter of time. He caught a knee to the gut and it knocked all the air out of his lungs. He fell to his knees in pain, sputtering for breath, then onto his face after receiving a blow to his back. He was already fairly battered and bruised as his head hit the sidewalk. Pain surged through him everywhere in horrible waves as they continued to kick at him. He felt blood in several places already and pain exploded in his chest as they continued to beat the shit out of him._

_All he could do was curl up into a tight ball, cover his head, and plead. It sounded pathetic but that was understandable by this point. It hurt to breathe now. He coughed and sputtered until his throat felt raw. Finally, they gave up on him, leaving him to eventually bleed out on the sidewalk._

_His breathing was labored as he finally let out heavy, choking sobs, head still covered by his arms. His head hurt beyond belief and he felt the wetness of blood there. His lungs stung terribly, and the ribs around them weren't faring much better. The heaving that goes along with the tears was only making it worse, but he really couldn't help that at this point. His entire body was in some kind of pain. It was worse than anything he'd ever felt._

_Slowly, he reached out blindly for his phone, face down on the pavement somewhere nearby, having fallen out of his pocket in the fight. The men had taken his wallet, but they thankfully hadn't been able to see his phone on the street in the darkness. It hurt to move, but he finally felt it brush against his searching hand. It hurt even more to pick it up, and he definitely had a broken finger._

_The screen was cracked, but it worked well enough, thank god. He called Oikawa on instinct. He didn't know why he didn't call the police or an ambulance, just Oikawa. Maybe that was stupid but it's not like he was thinking clearly anyways._

_It rang for what felt like hours, but finally Oikawa picked up._

_"Hey Iwa-chan, what's up?" He asked quickly._

_Iwaizumi tried to get out words but he couldn't. The words he tried to form turned into choked sobs, a small whimper coming out without his permission. He was so beyond caring about how completely awful he knew he sounded. He wasn't in a position to care. He tried to say something again, but he knew it just got jumbled into more painful sounds, which evolved into the most agonizing coughing fit he'd ever experienced. God, that fucking hurt._

_"Iwa-chan! What's wrong? What happened? Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Oikawa shot off questions and Iwaizumi tried to answer. "Iwa-chan? Hello! Are you there? Can you hear me?" He realized the phone had slid out of his shaking hands._

_"Oikawa," he choked out finally, "Oikawa, I need help, please, I can't-" He didn't know what he was trying to say, what else to say, he couldn't even think straight. Even those words sounded mangled, especially through the phone. God, could Oikawa even understand him? Shit, what if he couldn't?_

_"Iwa, where are you?" Oikawa demanded shakily. He sounded like he was moving and Iwaizumi definitely heard him grab his keys. "You need to tell me where you are so I can come get you."_

_"I..." He realized he didn't even know. He couldn't remember the name of the street he was on before. Fuck, the street name was on the tip of his tongue. This was a great time for his memory to fail him, though he blamed that on how tired he was. He didn't even have any idea what buildings he was between. He was pretty sure they were just offices and studios but they didn't have signs and they were usually vacant at night. Oikawa would never find him. He was going to die here. This was it. What if he did die here?_

_"Iwa! Come on, where are you!?"_

_"I...I don't know," he croaked out, feeling even more hopeless about this terrible situation he found himself in as the minutes went by. Why me? Why today?_

_"Can you see a street sign? A building? Anything?" Oikawa was desperate now. Iwaizumi was pretty sure he heard Oikawa crying as well._

_He looked around but he saw nothing useful. "I can't see anything. I'm in an ally but I don't remember the name of the street I was on. Shit. And-- I don't know. I don't know. It's really deserted." He was a little easier to understand now, but not by much as he talked quickly and hysterically._

_"Hold on," he sputtered out. Maybe if he could just get to the street, then he could see something useful. Then again, there wasn't much of anything to use as a landmark in this part of town. Otherwise he would've remembered it. But if he could just get near a street sign._

_He propped himself up on one elbow and he let out a small shout, wincing at the new wave of pain it sent through every part of him. He tried briefly to move towards the street, but a mangled scream escaped his lungs and he fell back down, a new wave tears streaming down to mix with the blood on the side of his face. It wasn't his arms or his legs, but the twisting motion in his torso, that hurt. It was excruciating. This couldn't be real. "I can't--" He sobbed, choking on his words. He tried to crawl, but he didn't even have the energy. "I can't, I can't--" Oikawa could probably barely understand him. This was terrible. This couldn't actually be happening._

_"What, what!?" Oikawa shot back quickly._

_"I can to it, I can't stand up. I can't, I'm sorry. I can't see anything useful," Iwaizumi stuttered out, tripping over every word. He could barely think straight, he couldn't even focus on anything but the pain. He really shouldn't have moved._

_"It's okay, Iwa you're going to be okay, just--" Iwaizumi was barely listening._

_"I can't, Oikawa. I'm sorry," He continued regardless of Oikawa talking. "I can't, it hurts." he groaned softly into the pavement._

_"Iwa-chan-"_

_"Oh god it hurts..." He trailed off, not even talking to Oikawa anymore. He just wanted to go home, wanted to wake up and find out it was a dream. But this was real._

_"Were you on your way home from work?" Oikawa is frantic now, almost shouting. "Iwa-chan, please answer me. Do you hear me? You're going to be okay, but you need to answer me so I can find you, alright? I'm going to find you, I promise."_

_Iwaizumi makes a sound kind of like the word yes._

_"Okay, okay, I'm coming, just hold on. You're going to be okay. Everything is going to be fine, I promise. Hold on--"_

_The line cut off and Iwaizumi was alone again on the sidewalk in a desolate part of town. The pain only got worse as he waited, and it had to be the worst thing he’d ever felt. They had really beat the shit out of him. He couldn't help but think he was about to die. He was going to die here on the sidewalk, all alone, bloodied and bruised, wasn't he? Oikawa would never find him._

_Just as he was accepting his fate, he saw the blurry smudge of headlights. He heard a car door followed by quick footsteps._

_"Iwa-chan!" Oikawa was instantly on his knees by his side as Iwaizumi continued to groan and sob. "It's okay, it's going to be okay. I'm here, you're going to be fine, okay? Can you stand at all or no?"_

_Iwaizumi nodded slightly. "I think so...maybe." It wasn't exactly a confident statement, but maybe standing would go better with Oikawa here to hold most of the weight. His legs aren't even the problem, just gravity in general._

_Oikawa helped him very slowly to his feet, which hurt like nothing he'd ever felt. His legs were only bruised, badly from protecting his chest with them, but not broken. Maybe one of his ankles was sprained. He could stand on them, nonetheless, though it hurt so much more than lying down. His midsection was another story, he couldn't even straighten up all the way._

_"Are you sure you can walk right now? I can carry you if you need me to," Oikawa said with a worried look. Iwaizumi only shook his head. He could make it to the car like this. It wasn't far._

_He had an arm around Oikawa's shoulders and Oikawa had an arm wrapped around his waist to hold him up. It hurt, with Oikawa trying to carry almost all of his weight like this, but there was really no other way for Oikawa to keep him standing. He hobbled over to Oikawa's car and into the passenger seat, coughing most of the way there. He clutched his ribs with one arm and held a rag to whatever was bleeding on his forehead. He could taste blood in one side of his mouth too._

_The ride to the hospital was short but it felt like forever. He saw Oikawa glance over every time he groaned out a pained sound. He had tried to hold them in a little when they first got in the car, but he was far beyond caring now. He let it all out._

_At the hospital, he found out he had a gash in his forehead from hitting the sidewalk that needed a few stitches, but surprisingly he had no concussion. His head was pretty much all he managed to protect. Because of it, his arms were heavily bruised, and he had two broken fingers. There was one on each hand, middle finger on left and ring finger on the right. His left ring finger was dislocated, but not broken._

_He had a bunch of bruised ribs, but none had been broken thanks to his legs taking the brunt of it. His left ankle was slightly sprained, as he had thought._

_The blood in his mouth was from a few cuts on the inside of his cheek and a split lip. Other than that, it was all horrible bruises and some open wounds and scrapes that didn't require stitches. Just a lot of band-aids._

_They kept him overnight just in case, prescribed a pain medication, made him an appointment to get the stitches out, and told him to take it easy for a while because of his ribs._

_The next day, Oikawa drove him home. He left the hospital with a brace on his ankle, stitches in his head, splints on his fingers, bandages all over, and crutches in hand. He had stubbornly chose limping over using them, which he was heavily scolded for in the car._

_That night, he had the first of the nightmares._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully everything makes a little more sense now? I think tomorrow will be the final chapter of this, and there will finally be a happy ending! So, I'll be back tomorrow, and I apologize in advance if it's late, because I'm still writing it. As always, thank you for reading, and to anyone who leaves me comments or kudos! 
> 
> (FUN FACT: I'm writing this with a finger splint on, and I'd like you all to know, Iwaizumi's tape struggle is SO REAL.)
> 
> (Alright, here's the backstory summary: Iwaizumi was working a later shift than usual and his walk home at night is definitely less safe than it is during the day. Long story short, he gets mugged and beat up pretty bad by a bunch of guys (hence all the mentioned injuries throughout the story). He calls Oikawa, and needless to say, he's a bit of a mess over the phone. Oikawa comes and finds him, takes him to the hospital, and then the nightmares start along with Oikawa being very protective. Fun stuff!)


	4. Closed Doors and Missed Trains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iwaizumi sighs. He really has no plan for what to do about their fight. He still doesn't even know how he feels about it, and he certainly isn't prepared to talk to him yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, Here's the last chapter! I'm sorry it's so late. It's 2am, but I haven't slept yet, so to me it's still on time. Anyways, our emotional roller coaster ride is finally coming to an end, so I hope you enjoy it!

The room is dead silent, as if they're waiting for the story to continue. Iwaizumi told Nishinoya the story soon after it happened, but never in that much detail. Iwaizumi had never talked about it that much out loud actually, and now he feels even more exhausted than he had, just remembering it all. He doesn't even know why he decided to share that much about it. It was probably more for his own sake than anyone else's, really.

If Nishinoya looks surprised, then Tanaka is completely shocked. They both sit silent for a minute, mouths hanging slightly open, eyes wide and disbelieving.

"Holy shit," Tanaka says, finally breaking the silence. "That's fucking insane."

"Yeah," Iwaizumi says back with a long sigh.

"Yeah, that's _more_ than a good enough excuse for everything you were talking about earlier," Tanaka says.

"My point exactly," Nishinoya adds. "So," he begins tentatively. It makes Iwaizumi a little uneasy, the way he decides to look at Precious instead of Iwaizumi.

"What?"

"Well, do you have any idea what you're going to do about Oikawa now?" Nishinoya asks finally, "Has he tried to talk to you or anything?"

Iwaizumi sighs. He really has no plan for what to do about their fight. He still doesn't even know how he feels about it, and he certainly isn't prepared to talk to him yet. But he knows he won't be able to live without him forever. Despite how annoying Oikawa can be, or what Iwaizumi said, he needs Oikawa. Somewhere mixed in with all the anger and sadness, there's longing. But that doesn't matter right now.

"I don't know. He called a bunch but I haven't checked any of it," Iwaizumi admits. "But I'm not going to worry about that yet anyways. I called earlier today and got some time off from work after my mom called me. I haven't visited my parents all summer and I just need to get away from here for a few days. I'm going to take the train there tomorrow morning, I think."

"It's probably a good thing for you, getting out of town for a little bit," Nishinoya comments. "But you can't just put it off forever, especially if he's trying to talk to you."

"I know. Anyways, I think I'm done talking about this," Iwaizumi says, hoping Nishinoya will let him leave it at that. He really doesn't want to talk about Oikawa anymore.

Thankfully, he does, and they all spend the rest of the evening playing card games and talking. Nishinoya tells a few disgustingly sweet stories about Asahi, Tanaka tells a few stories about working at the restaurant he waits tables for, Iwaizumi goes on about a movie he had seen. They talk about the weirdos that come into the store at three in the morning, a family party Tanaka has to go to, a new restaurant Iwaizumi tried, and anything and everything they can think of. They sit like that for hours, and it's nice to finally get his mind off everything.

It's actually the first good night Iwaizumi has had in a while, and he's even happy by the time Nishinoya walks him home on his way to work.

 

Iwaizumi wakes up around two in the morning and can't go back to sleep at all. He had actually been able to fall asleep without being awakened by nightmares when he got home, but it still hadn't lasted long. 

After about twenty minutes of tossing and turning, Iwaizumi just decides to get up. If he can't get to sleep now, he might as well just get ready to leave instead of wasting four more hours rolling around in his bed. He'll just take the earlier train instead.

So, he rolls ungracefully out of bed and sets off in the direction of the closet to try and find his duffel bag, and starts packing.

***

Oikawa can't take it anymore. He can't sleep at all, and he certainly can't sit in his apartment for another day and just wait for Iwaizumi to maybe decide to pick up the phone or respond to his texts. Obviously he isn't going to any time soon.

He needs to go and see him. It doesn't matter what time it is. Iwaizumi can't ignore him if he shows up on his fucking doorstep. Well, maybe he can, but that'll definitely be harder. It's not like Iwaizumi will be asleep now anyways. Oikawa has to go and apologize, even if Iwaizumi doesn't forgive him, he has to _say_ it. Iwaizumi needs to hear it, and it needs to happen now.

He flies out of his bed, getting his legs caught in the damn blankets along the way, earning him a face full of floor. Whatever. It's fine. Nothing matters right now, not even how awful he must look as he runs out of his apartment into the night in his pajamas and slippers.

 

He doesn't even know what he plans on saying when he gets there. Hey, sorry I'm an awful person and I totally obliterated your feelings? I miss you a whole fucking lot and I haven't left the house in days because I'm a pathetic mess without you? I need you even if you don't need or want me around, so how about being my friend again?

God, what is Oikawa even doing right now? This is probably a terrible idea. What if he doesn't even want to see Oikawa at all? It would make sense, considering he's clearly avoiding him. But that's why he needs to go see him, isn't it? Either way, he's already at Iwaizumi's building, so he's not going home without at least trying to talk to him.

He tries to think straight as he climbs the stairs and approaches Iwaizumi's door. He's more nervous now that he's actually here. What if he doesn't answer? Or worse, what if he does but then he slams the door right in Oikawa's face? He tries to push the thought away as he knocks frantically on the door. Once. Twice. Three times.

There's no answer, and Oikawa doesn't even know what to think. Maybe he isn't home, or maybe he's just ignoring Oikawa. Oikawa may or may not have pressed his ear to Iwaizumi's door and held his breath in order to rule out that second option, because it doesn't even sound like he has his air conditioning on, and it's too hot out not to, isn't it? He probably just isn't home. That's good, probably. At least he isn't just deliberately not answering the door or something. 

But if he's not home, where is he? He could be with friends maybe. Or maybe he's at work. Did he mention having work tonight? God, would he even agree to doing another night shift? Maybe. That sounds about right, doesn't it? What if it isn't right though? Probably not. Shit, Oikawa is not thinking straight right now. Of course that's not right.

But, where else could he be? Maybe Matsukawa knows where he is. He talked to him yesterday, didn't he? Yeah, he must know. He has to. Someone has to know.

Oikawa tries to calm down the hysterical storm of thoughts running through his mind for long enough to call Matsukawa. He calls three times, but each time is without an answer. He's probably asleep at this hour, so he tries to call Hanamaki, only to receive the same result. How can they be sleeping at a time like this?

God, what is he supposed to do now? He could always just wait a few hours until morning. That's so long. How can go without answers for that long while his Iwa-chan is slowly slipping away like this? He's been waiting for days. Now is not the time to wait. No more fucking waiting. He could probably go to the store and check if Iwaizumi is working or not before either of them even call back. Wait. He can do that.

Before his mind even catches up to his body, he's running down the stairs. It probably looks incredibly desperate, but who is he really fooling anymore? He is desperate, and he doesn't care how ridiculous he must look, running across town at night and trying his best to keep his slippers on his feet as he does so.

 

He finally arrives at the store, not even bothering to catch his breath before practically falling through the doors. Thankfully, there's no one in the store right now to witness the huge mess of a man that Oikawa is as he heaves in breaths and tries to adjust his shirt.

He looks to the counter, but his heart sinks when it's not Iwaizumi. Of course he isn't working. Shit, if he's not working, then where is he?

"Are you okay?" asks the man behind the counter as Oikawa bends over in defeat, hands on his knees and head hanging low between his shoulders as he catches his breath. 

Wait, that voice is Nishinoya. Oikawa knows him from volleyball, though they aren't super close friends. But he is friends with Iwaizumi, right? 

"Do you know where Iwaizumi is?" Oikawa asks, flying back into an upright position and crossing to lean heavily on the counter in one swift motion. Nishinoya flinches away from the counter slightly in surprise. "He's not home, and I thought he'd be here, but he's not, and I need to talk to him!" Oikawa fires off quickly, not even able to control the pathetic desperation clear in his voice. 

"He might have already left," Nishinoya finally says, relaxing a bit. "He was going to visit his mom tomorrow morning I think, but maybe he left early if he isn't home."

"What?" Oikawa asks, physically feeling all the hope drain out of him at once. "I fucked it up so bad that he's visiting his _mom_? Oh my god, this is so terrible. Shit," Oikawa trails off, shoving his hands into his mess of hair.

"Is this about the fight you guys had?" Nishinoya asks.

"He told you about that?" Oikawa asks, feeling completely defeated. "God, you probably think I'm a terrible person now, don't you? I _am_ a terrible person, don't even say anything. Oh no, what if he tells his mom too? He probably will tell her, because she's going to ask why her precious son is so fucking sad and broken, and _I'm_ the reason, because I _suck_! Iwa-chan's mom is going to hate me too now. Oh my god, she's probably going to beat me up or something," Oikawa rants, mostly to himself. “I’m going to get killed by Iwa-chan’s mom and no one will ever find my body.”

"I've never met Hajime-san's mom," Nishinoya adds casually.

"She's super amazing, and wonderful, and she could _bench press_ someone your size! She could bench press _both_ of us at once!" Oikawa practically shouts, turning back to Nishinoya. "And now she's probably going to snap me in half with just her pinkies because I hurt her beautiful son!"

"Man, I need to meet Hajime-san's mom."

"This wasn't supposed to happen like this," Oikawa mutters to himself as he slumps across the counter.

"What do you mean?" Nishinoya asks curiously.

"This wasn't supposed to be like this!" Oikawa whines, springing back up off the counter. "This was supposed to be the part where I actually talked to him, where I finally go to his apartment and he answers the door, and then I go inside and tell him I'm sorry! I was supposed to tell him to his face how sorry I am for being a fucking _asshole_ , and how much I miss him because I'm a literal mess without him, because I'm so damn pathetic! Then I would tell him how much I need him, even if he doesn't need me, and tell him how much I love him!" Oikawa finally finishes, gasping in a large breath at the end before deflating back onto the counter. "What am I supposed to do now? He probably doesn't even want to see me. I wouldn’t want to see me either."

He can't even believe how much that just took out of him. He feels empty, completely drained. It's nice to finally say all of that out loud, though.

"Do you really mean all that?" Nishinoya asks. All Oikawa can do is nod weakly. Of course he means it. He means every single word, if only Iwaizumi had heard any of it. "Then I don't think you have anything to be worrying about. Just go tell him. You live in the same hometown anyways, right? You might be able to catch the next train if you leave soon."

Again, Oikawa finds his body moving before his mind even has time to figure out what the hell he's doing. He just barely gets out a 'thank you' to Nishinoya before he's running towards the train station.

***

It's almost four in the morning when Iwaizumi walks up to his front door. He fumbles with his keys, but before he can even find the right one, the door opens to reaveal his mom. She looks just as surprised as him for a minute before breaking into a wide grin and pulling Iwaizumi in to the tightest hug of his life, making him drop his bag.

"Hajime! Did you walk here? You should've just called me," she says, tightening her grip. Yeah, this is home. "I was just about to come get you. I guess it's a little too late now."

"Mom, mom. Ribs," Iwaizumi wheezes out.

"What?"

"I have four bruised ribs. I appreciate the hug, but this really hurts," Iwaizumi says, sighing as she finally releases her grip.

"Oh I'm sorry! I forgot," she says as she straightens out his now crumpled t-shirt. "Do you need anything?"

"No, I'm fine right now," Iwaizumi replies waving a dismissive hand as he tries to recover from that hug. He glances up at the clock. "Mom, it's not even four in the morning, you should go back to bed."

"I'm already up," she says, making the exact same gesture with her hand. "I think I'll go on a run before the sun comes up and it gets too hot."

"You're crazy," Iwaizumi chuckles, picking his bag up.

"It's genetic, watch out," she says, putting a hand on his shoulder as she walks by him and up the stairs to get changed for her run. 

 

It's only about fifteen minutes after his mom leaves on her run that Iwaizumi hears a knock at the door. It's probably just his mom locking herself out again, but she's usually gone longer than this, isn't she? Maybe she forgot something. Who _else_ is going to be at Iwaizumi's house at almost four thirty in the morning?

He puts down the book he was reading and gets up to answer the front door. Only when he opens the door, it's not his mom. Not at all. Instead, Oikawa is standing on his doorstep, in his pajamas, hair a mess, breathing heavy and sweating like he was running.

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa starts, but it's cut off when Iwaizumi closes the door in his face. He wasn't even really thinking about what he was doing. He's not thinking about anything because his mind is spinning too damn fast to settle on one thought. He doesn't know why Oikawa came here, especially at this hour, and he doesn't know how the fuck he's supposed to feel about it. 

He's turned around, about to go upstairs and pretend no one was even at the door, when Oikawa calls his name again through the door. It sounds so weak, desperate, almost a little sad, and Iwaizumi finds himself frozen in place as he tries to ignore the voice behind him and the ache in his heart.

"Iwa-chan, please open the door. Please, I just want to talk to you," Oikawa says, almost inaudibly as Iwaizumi finds himself back by the door again. "I know you probably don't want to see me, but I have to talk to you and know that you heard it, even if you still hate me when I'm finished. I just need to say it." 

Iwaizumi feels his heart sink. He doesn't hate Oikawa. He could never hate Oikawa.

"Are you still there?" Oikawa asks softly, almost sounding hopeless, like he expects Iwaizumi to be gone already. "I'm talking to myself, aren't I?" he asks, just barely loud enough to hear.

Iwaizumi sighs loudly as he slides his back down the door until he's sitting on the floor. He runs his hands through his hair and lets his head fall back against the door in a way he knows Oikawa can hear.

***

"I'm sorry," Oikawa says finally as he shifts to sit with his back against the door. "And I know just saying that I'm sorry doesn't mean much, but trust me when I say that I'm sorry for what I said. I'm an awful person for saying any of those horrible things, but I didn't mean it. I didn't mean a word of it, and I know you might not believe me. I'm not even asking you to. I just need to know that I told you." Oikawa sighs, long and exhausted, closing his eyes and waiting. But there's only silence from the other side of the door.

"You know what, that's a lie," Oikawa continues after the silence stretches on. "I did mean some of what I said. I meant it when I said that you were scared that night, and I also meant it when I said that I was scared too. I know I tried to pretend everything was normal after that night, but it wasn't. It still isn't, because that was scary, Iwa-chan. I was scared, and every day after that I was worried. I'll admit to that, okay? But I don't think I should apologize for being worried about you. I did it because I care about you. I care about you so damn much, Iwa-chan. Maybe I was overprotective, but I won't say that I'm sorry for that."

"I know." Iwaizumi's reply is soft, barely audible, yet it still startles Oikawa. He wasn't really expecting a response at all.

"What?"

"I know you were only being that way because you were worried. Trust me, I know the feeling," Iwaizumi continues. "And I know that I really shouldn't have yelled at you for that." Oikawa hears him sigh and thump his head against the door. "Oikawa, did I ever tell you about my dream?"

Actually, he hadn't. Oikawa didn't even really ask. Maybe it was because there was never a good time to, or maybe he had always just assumed. "Wasn't it just something about the night-"

"No," Iwaizumi interrupts. "It wasn't anything about that. You were in the dream every time. And every time you died in some slow and terrible way. And the worst part was that I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I couldn't move towards you, couldn't talk, I could only watch as you died over and over again every night." Oikawa sits in shock, his tired brain not even knowing what to do with that information.

***

"And I know it was just a dream," Iwaizumi continues, "But I'm supposed to protect you, and that dream was a constant reminder that I fucking can't. I can't even protect myself anymore. It feels like I can't do anything for myself anymore lately, and I guess you worrying about me like that just made it even worse. Because how am I supposed to look out for you when I can't even look out for myself?" He's frustrated all over again just thinking about it, clenching his fists at his sides. He thumps his head against the door again rather than giving in to the impulse to punch something with his already damaged hands.

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa says gently, "It's not your job to protect me, and I guess I shouldn't act like it's my job to protect you either. We're supposed to just look out for each other. Look, I need you, okay? And I know you might not need me, but I've missed you so much. I was a god damn mess without you. Iwa-chan, I-"

Oikawa is cut off when Iwaizumi finally can't take it anymore and opens the door, sending Oikawa tumbling onto his back into Iwaizumi's entryway. He looks shocked as he stares up at Iwaizumi.

"I never meant that," Iwaizumi says, staring straight back down at Oikawa.

"What?"

"When I said I didn't need you. That's not true," he says as he extends a hand to Oikawa to help him up. Oikawa hesitates for a second before taking Iwaizumi's hand in his own and staggering to his feet.

Before Oikawa is even standing all the way, he has his arms wrapped tightly around Iwaizumi. There's a sudden relief that floods through Iwaizumi's chest, and he realizes that he missed this, too. God, he fucking missed this. He missed Oikawa. He can't even explain all the feelings that try to explode out of him as he wraps both his arms tight around him. He buries his head in Oikawa's neck and he can feel his face in his hair. They both hold on tight, like the other might slip away, and it feels so good to have him there again, this close.

***

"Did you even bring anything here?" Iwaizumi asks after they finally break apart.

"No," Oikawa admits, a little bit embarrassed. He had gone straight to the train without a second thought, which arguably, may not have been a great plan. "I didn't really think this far ahead. I was just trying to make the next train."

Iwaizumi sighs. "So, you're telling me, that you ran to the train station to come here and talk to me with nothing but the pajama's you're wearing?"

"Yeah," Oikawa answers, cringing in preparation for getting yelled at, but Iwaizumi only sighs again as he turns to walk up the stairs. He's probably too tired to argue anyways. Or maybe he just doesn't want to after all the shit that's happened. 

"Do you have some pajamas I can borrow?" Oikawa asks as he follows Iwaizumi up the stairs. "I've been in these clothes for three days straight."

"Probably," Iwaizumi grumbles as he pushes open the door to his bedroom. It's been a long time since Oikawa has been here, but it still feels like home, considering how much of his childhood was spent in this room.

Iwaizumi digs through a drawer for a while before throwing some clothes at Oikawa to put on. Afterwards, he sits at his desk, facing the wall, and picks up a book while Oikawa changes. Maybe it's to give him privacy, though there's never really been much privacy between Iwaizumi and Oikawa anyways. 

It suddenly dawns on him that Iwaizumi probably isn't planning on sleeping, despite how clearly exhausted he is. He slumps low over the desk, resting his head heavily in one of his hands as he reads. He can't see them now, but Oikawa didn't miss the prominent bags under Iwaizumi's eyes, or the slow and lazy way in which he walked. It's probably been a long time since he's slept for more than an hour or two at a time.

Suddenly, Oikawa is hit by how tired _he_ is. He hasn't slept all night, and now it's almost sunrise and he still hasn't slept. God, he's exhausted. He needs to sleep. They both need to sleep.

***

Iwaizumi is startled away from his book when his entire body starts to slide away from the desk. He turns around to see Oikawa dragging his chair away from the desk and towards the bed.

"What the hell are you doing?" Iwaizumi asks, abandoning the book in favor of trying to hold onto the edge of the desk. His grip slips easily, because he does not have the fucking energy to put up any sort of fight right now.

"You need to sleep," Oikawa says, now struggling to drag Iwaizumi out of the chair and into the bed as he flails and grumbles. 

"I don't want to, it's fine," Iwaizumi protests stubbornly as he tries to squirm away. "Oikawa, let go!"

"Well, you need to sleep whether you want to or not. I know you probably haven't slept for more than an hour or two. You look like you're dying. Plus, I need to sleep too. I've been awake since seven this morning. Or yesterday morning now, I guess."

Iwaizumi tries to escape a few more times, but he really has no energy. Shit, he really is exhausted. He can't even remember the last time he actually had a good night's sleep. Oh god, sleep sounds too good right now, but it's not like he'll actually be able to sleep. Maybe this will be good, though. Maybe he'll actually sleep for a long time without a dream, or waking up. He really hopes so. It feels like it's been so long.

So, he lets Oikawa drag his limp body into the bed. Eventually, Oikawa manages to get him all the way on the bed. He situates himself behind Iwaizumi, wrapping one arm over him to pull him close, while the other arm comes around to allow Oikawa's fingers to gently wander through Iwaizumi's hair. Just like the night on Iwaizumi's couch, Oikawa's other hand rubs slowly across Iwaizumi's shoulder, and everything feels perfect. Iwaizumi can already feel himself drifting into sleep when he remembers something.

"Hey Oikawa," Iwaizumi asks groggily.

"Hm?" Oikawa hums in response, sounding just as close to sleep as Iwaizumi feels.

"What were you going to say earlier?"

"What?"

"Earlier, you were in the middle of saying something when I opened the door and you fell," Iwaizumi explains. "What was it?"

"Oh," Oikawa says lightly, "That was supposed to be the part where I told you how much I love you."

***

It's silent for a while and Oikawa begins to think that maybe he shouldn't have said anything about it, lied instead. Maybe Iwaizumi doesn't feel the same, or this is just a bad time. It probably is, but Iwaizumi is the one who asked.

Just as he's getting worried, he feels Iwaizumi's hand awkwardly searching around for his. When Iwaizumi finally reaches Oikawa's hand, he laces their fingers together as best he can around the splint on his ring finger. He squeezes Oikawa's hand and Oikawa can practically hear the grin in his voice when he speaks.

"Tell me something I don't know, idiot."

"That you might love me back?" Oikawa asks with a stupid smirk that he's so glad Iwaizumi can't see.

"Nah," Iwaizumi sighs, "I think I already knew that."

***

Iwaizumi falls asleep, wrapped in Oikawa's arms, and he sleeps for a long time. He sleeps for more than an hour, and he sleeps without a nightmare to wake him up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Happy ending! Well, I hope you all enjoyed this and thank you so much for reading! Again, thank you to all the people who leave me comments and kudos!
> 
> (ALSO, I didn't notice until after I was more than halfway through writing this that the song Don't Leave Me by P!nk fits this story _way_ too well. Seriously, like every word.)


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